‘Can’t Get Over My Ex-Wife’ says Divorced Man

Can't get over my ex-wife

From a reader: Jackie, I can’t get over my ex-wife and wondering how I ever will.

My advice:

A few years ago, a friend of mine was going through a  divorce and she said to me, “It’s been two years and I’m still not over it. I WANT to be over it—over him, but I just don’t know how to do it.”

I felt sorry for her because I get it. No one can help a person get over their ex-husband/ex-wife. The person has to do it on their own, and on their own timetable.

Sure, there are things you can do to TRY to get over your ex–like see a therapist, engage in a new hobby, find faith, exercise, start volunteering, focus on career, etc. etc. and they might help, but the letting go part is all up to you. YOU are the one deciding when you can accept it and move on. No one else can do that for you.

 

My Wife is Leaving Me: A Guide for Men Getting Divorced

 

As far as WHY you can’t get over your ex-wife, there are several possible reasons. But instead of listing them, I want to turn this around and offer advice in the form of things that will surely prevent you from getting over your ex-wife. Here are…

 

6 things to do that will prevent you from ever getting over your ex-wife:

 

1. Play the victim.

The victim mentality is poisonous. What victims do is fantasize that their ex’s new life is perfect while theirs is lonely and sad. They say things like “My wife dumped me” and “I can’t believe this happened to me.” They talk as if something horrible has been done to them. While I think everyone going through a divorce deserves an amount of time to feel sorry for themselves, that time needs to come to an end at some point. The focus needs to become so much larger than “this is what was done to me.” It might hurt like hell right now, but things will get better, especially if act on opportunities that will make your life better and happier.

2. Stay angry.

While it’s normal (and healthy actually) to be angry for a period of time, holding onto anger is toxic. It will prevent you from ever moving on in a real way, or with any productivity. Again, it’s OK and normal to feel angry for a little while, but know when enough is enough. Anger is a complete waste of energy. It’s bad for you and very bad for your kids. Instead of being angry, channel that energy into perseverance that will lead to finding your new life; one that will make you truly happy.

 

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3. Rewrite history.

It is human nature to miss someone so much that you forget about everything bad that happened in the marriage and drum up all the good stuff. Our minds want to protect our feelings, so we block out the bad. What you end up with is, “I will never understand why he/she did this to us and our family. We had the perfect life. We were so happy.” When you do begin to let go, you start thinking about the clues that you missed, what you didn’t want to see, what he/she did that bugged you and drove you nuts. That’s when healing can really begin.

4. Look at your ex’s social media pages frequently.

Half the people I know who are divorced block each other from their Facebook pages and other social media outlets. But, if you are one of the few who have access to your ex’s social media pages, it isn’t healthy to keep track of what he/she is doing, their photos, etc. It will just hurt you if you see something that shows he/she is moving on.

 

6 Tips For Facebook and Other Social Media and Divorce

 

5. Blame yourself.

“If only I’d been a better husband…” “I should have taken that trip to Europe with her when she asked me last year…” “I never appreciated her…” These are really bad things to say to yourself or to your friends. No one goes into a marriage wanting to make mistakes, but the fact is that we all make them, and when people get divorced, they come out of the marriage with regrets. Actually, even people who are still happily married have regrets. Remember that you were the best husband/wife you thought you could be at the time. No need to look back and talk “should have.”

 

10 Big Divorce Mistakes You Really Don’t Want to Make

 

6. Stay home/refuse to date or even go out socially.

The best way to get over an ex-wife/husband is to socialize, meet new people, take your mind off of him/her. There are 6 billion people on this earth. Your ex is ONE person. I’m not saying you have to date if you aren’t ready, but just making new friends keeps our minds fresh, our spirits alive and our lives exciting and fun.

The beauty about getting over your ex-wife/husband is that it happens when you least expect it (in my opinion.) All of a sudden, you realize that you didn’t cry today. And then two weeks later, you realize you haven’t cried in a week, and then in a month and then 6 months. You find yourself enjoying life and thinking less and less about him or her. It’s a little sad, in a way, and you almost miss that pain, just because you lived with it for such a long, long time. But healing can feel empowering and liberating. There’s nothing better than that moment you look in the mirror and think, “Wow, look where I was a year ago, and look at me now.”

Like this article? Check out, “11 Pieces of Advice for Men Over 50”

 

Katz and Stefani Family Law Attorneys

 

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

109 Responses to “‘Can’t Get Over My Ex-Wife’ says Divorced Man”

  1. Mark

    I can relate to so many of you here, my wife of 37 years moved out over 2 years ago and it has been a nightmare ever since. I loved this woman completely and was loyal throughout our entire relationship and when she left I was devastated beyond belief, I never saw a shred of it coming and when it did, It felt like sudden death. It has been a daily struggle and as much as I try I just cannot get her completely off my mind, it has been the hardest thing I have ever experienced and I am 62. I know there are no easy answers and ultimately I know it is up to me to find some kind of peace and move on but until that day comes it’s nothing short of pure misery. I would just add this, dont waste your time trying to re-connect or in hoping things will work out between you because they never will, this is the first step and until you have convinced yourself of this you will just continue to drown until it eventually overtakes you. I have had moments where I feel I am close to getting over her only to be reminded again but at least I have had these “moments” and I truly believe I will some day soon find the peace to be a person again. But make no mistake, there is nothing easy about any of it, there are no comforting words just constant daily doses of dread and heartache but only you can choose for you. I dont hate my wife and I try to keep anger from ever getting the best of me, it is about moving beyond the past and just living today. I know this may sound cliché but to remain miserable while bathing in self pity is a life wasted. I can respect what other folks believe but for me I know that at the end of the day the only person who really cares about you is just you.

    Reply
    • Bill

      Women are basically the devil reincarnate. I feel like God really let us down with the ego in women. Nothing is even wrong, yet they are just hellbent control freaks, constantly drawing toxic comparisons to media, getting us in more debt to keep up with the joneses, or else they flip out and plot to leave behind your back not even informing you of the so called ‘problems’ of the marriage because there isnt any, its all their ego they refuse to regulate thought and behaviour. It sounds like satan to me.

      Reply
      • Pixie

        Yikes. This is not a healthy outlook. You must have been really hurt, but painting half the population as the devil incarnate is not good. I say this with love; please find a mental health professional so that you can process this deep anger (which is pain turned outwards).

        Much love to you.

        Reply
  2. Steve

    Hang in Mark. Please know that your message greatly helped someone similarly situated. Just now starting to look for the help I realize I need to get over what feels like the worst thing that can happen to a man, regardless of how loving and devoted we might be. Steve

    Reply
  3. Tom

    I am 2 years out and here I am coming back to this site again. Sometimes I can ignore the pain and sometimes I just break down and cry. We were married 11 years, I did cheat once and still feel horrible about it though it shouldn’t matter anymore. In the end she cheated with my best friend who lived across the street for about 8 months. I finally sold the house 6 months ago and moved to get away from the neighbor (he chose to stay married and called my ex bat-shit crazy) but still feel the pain. I recently saw photos of her and her new younger boyfriend who my 3 kids confirmed is an uber driver. There were videos of them at rave parties obviously doing drugs and in some he was completely naked and she almost so. My youngest is 3 and I have now been raising her for two years by myself which I am pretty proud of. I have been having a very hard time accepting everything so I can move on. I don’t want to be alone anymore and I know she’s gone. I recently met someone who I can’t stop thinking about and we are going away this weekend and I realized I’m scared as hell by the prospect of love, though I know that’s what I want. My ex’s family all lives in the town I live in and I have to see them almost daily and I don’t have any family around here. My isolation is huge, but I also realize I find it easy to fill up my schedule with friends both old and new. I also find myself fantasizing about the good parts of my marriage and forget all the shit she did and said in the end. She said horrible things (similar to what others posted) such as never loved you, you are so negative, etc etc. My therapist continually points out that these were all said to hurt me as much as possible. I just don’t know why they had to be said. I also found out some much disgusting stuff she did with the neighbor that it fills me with rage. She claimed it was what normal consenting adults do….ugh. Anyway, that’s my pity part for today. I’m going for a long run now! My heart breaks for everyone on this site…we all just want to be happy again right? Some days it comes which give me hope that one day it will be more happy than sad 🙂

    Reply
  4. Alex Smith

    I am 28 Married 5 years, She left me a few days ago saying i was not emotionally there/ and both of us depressed and working nonstop caused a tear in the relationship. Her family hates me and are pressuring divorce ect. But I told her I would be here to work things out whenever she is ready. She expressed she loves me just doesn’t know. Im losing my best friend and thats the hardest part of it.

    Reply
  5. Michael Nichols

    I was married for 12 years and had two beautiful little girls with my wife… In 2015 I went to work and came home to a paper stating i was not able to be on the property, The courts dropped it during the divorce settlement. She ended up giving me the house and when I came home the house was empty.,torn apart and everything i had ever owned was gone.. I had nothing…
    She moved back in with her mom and we did very good apart from each other for a year, I started dating a very attractive woman and next thing i know she wanted to move back home… So i let her and my girls come home… Things where going great for 9 months, Then one day out of the blue she didnt expect me to be home so early and i caught her using drugs in the home.. Meth… I told her i wouldnt allow her to live in my house, she said she would get help but never did… 2 months pass and i caught her again, this time i called the police… they told me and HER i would have to evict her, Next day i went to work again, this time i got served at work for a restraing order… Judge dropped it… She already had a man living in my home…My home…with my kids… Well turns out she was using drugs infront of my children so the state got involved and gave the girls to me… I love this woman, she is so smart and beautiful but she has changed her whole life since this guy and drug use… She doesnt see her kids anymore and has lost everything, Wont even talk to me or her kids… I started sating but i keep thinking about her everyday cause i see my daughters and they are clones of her.. I need help getiing this woman out of my head… I feel like i should be helping her get clean, she was my wife… but i also am mad at her, its been a year now and the feelings are just as strong even though i have not seen her in almost 6 months… Im so lost

    Reply
    • Jackie Pilossoph

      I am so so sorry you are going through this. The hardest part for you is that you haven’t accepted that you don’t have ANY control over your ex-wife’s addiction. Even if you were still married to her, you have no control. SHE has to want to get help. No one can help her but HER.I know that is a hard concept to accept, but if you accept it you will find peace. Focus on yourself and your daughters and build a life without your ex-wife. Maybe someday she will get help. But until then, your job is to protect your children and live your life (oh, and enjoy life, by the way.) You deserve that!!

      Reply
  6. George

    Hi Jackie,

    It’s been over 3 years since my ex wife and I separated and just over a year since finalizing our divorce. I’ve tried to move on and have found myself stuck in my grief. I’ve never actually reached the stage of acceptance. Part of the reason is that the connection my ex and I shared was so strong. We were the best of friends as well as lovers and I’m not so sure I will ever get to experience that again. That is also why I think that I refuse to let her go.

    Our marriage was very tough at times and there were many outside factors that we let get in the way of our happiness. I tried my best to bring her happiness, all the while ignoring my own, which I ended up resenting. By the time she told me she wanted a divorce, I was exhausted and had no more to give.

    Now, I am struggling to let go and make peace with myself. I know it is time and I know what I need to do. I’m just having trouble getting up and doing it. I feel paralyzed and have considered that maybe I am truly afraid to be happy because sadness and grief are so familiar to me. I’m not quite sure what to do with that. To all of you who are also struggling to pick up the pieces and move on, I am with you too.

    Reply
  7. Jonathan

    Me and my wife were married since July of 2018. We dated a year before getting married and I feel like things went way to fast. I fell hard and fast for her and that is my biggest weakness. I’m only 24 and she is 19 so Yes we are still young. I know 6 months being married doesn’t seem like much but I gave everything to this woman. I made mistakes that I’m not proud of and I begged her for days to forgive me. Things started getting worse and worse and I was slowly learning that. I tried to fix it but nothing I do or say changes anything. I had to spend Christmas without my wife and that was the worst day of my entire life. Ive cried for days until it hurts. I moved in with her over a year ago so everything I knew for the past year was her. Then all of a sudden one day I’m out on my own sleeping at my friends house or back at my parents house. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

    Reply
  8. Tim

    How do u shake the want to never wake up? I am so miserable. Every single day is pain and i just want to give up.

    Reply
  9. Wayne

    You have to love and be yourself .let me tell you no matter what you did or did not do it wont matter once a woman has made her mid up that’s it .Remember this has been going on in her mind for a long time and allows her love to die.This is all in the mind as with a lot of things be greatful for what you have not moaning what you haven’t. Happiness again is from within not from what’s arround you .Both men and women have to decide whats important when you are married.
    live your life in pece with love gratitude and happiness.Rember you deserve better don’t feel sorry for yourself and hate yourself .Men always want to try and fix things but in a relationship its not as easy as that .Find things you enjoy doing focus on yourself you are not going to die and enjoy being on your own you don’t need to be with anyone to be happy. Remember happiness is from within .keep calm don’t panic and don’t make any drastic decisions.If the other person doesn’t want to be with you then it’s there loss not yours.And love has to be tough if someone has had an affair or left you for someone else do you really want them back after they sold you out for someone else. It wasn’t a mistake it was a conscious decision. A mistake is backing into a ballard.
    Pece love and happiness to all.

    Reply
  10. Meca

    It is hard I know been there but remember when you are married you are supposed to be a team. You have to cover each other’s back . Focus whats important and that surely is your parner. Unfortunately in this modern world people loose site of what is important easily tempted ,grass greener fools gold .People have no gratitude for what they have and only look at what they think they dont have.Going off with someone else not the answer. If you actualy thought anything about your partner and focused on the positives and what important you would not be getting involved with another person. if you were single knowing they were married would you want to go there not if you had any mortality. Again there are people who no matter what will try and have what they want even if there own lives are destroyed in the process.
    You have to focus on yourself do thing that you like or try something you haven’t. Remember if your partner thought anything of you they could not stand to be apart from you and would not want to be with anyone else. I would suget reading love must be tough by Dr James Dobson. Remember gratitude for what you have and positivity and that is about everything even if you only have a small ammount of money in your bank. Try to stop mulling things over in your mind if you find yourself doing it say to yourself no one has the rights to rent space in your mind.

    Reply
  11. MCA

    I know where you are coming from it is hard but remember you are not going to die just because your partner didnt rralise what they had . Its there loss you deserve better hold your hrad up and focus on yourself love yourself. If you dont love yourself then how do you expect others to love you .Focus on things you like to do get yourself a mountain bike exsersis help with physical and mental fitness.get a motorbike get out in the nice weather with other people who have them or your buddies. go for walks get a dog or and a cat all help with mental fitness.
    Eate healthy get out and meet people .Don’t allow people to rent space in your mind by going over things you don’t have control of.

    Reply
  12. Meca

    Never sacrifice your own happiness .Happines comes from within its not from what you have and its not anyones job to make you happy as its not yours to make them happy. If you always give and sacrifice yourself you will end up drained and deplited. You will have the piss taken out of you.The example I will give is if a plane depresurises what’s the first thing you do is putting your own mask on not anyone else s .This means that you a filled and now you can help others.

    Reply
  13. Mark Pouliot

    My wife was a Nurse who worked a week on, a week off and for 20 years our marriage was heaven even though I could not work because of a bad back.. Thirty weeks a year we did everything together and saw the world. Always hand in hand. Then her ambition made her become a Nurse manager and start working 60 hours each week for about the same pay.
    I felt abandoned. I had self medicated with beer and I actually believed it was helping my back muscles feel better. But it slowly built a tolerance and MAGNIFIED MY PAIN AND DEPRESSION. Then one day,after drinking, I fell and hit my head. I got a TBI and for the first time in our marriage started yelling at my wife.
    Within months she was gone. I recount my misfortune in the hope someone can learn from my mistake.
    But as some letters have stated..stuff happens…Some ten months on and I still cry everyday . I found the love of my life and traded it for beer. I am now sober 8 months and doing everything I can to get her back.
    If you drink STOP…its a downhill road to a broken marriage…
    Tell your wife you love her everyday and NEVER ever yell at her…
    Mark

    Reply
  14. Paul

    Married 31 yrs. 6 kids. Met in highschool.No cheating. Don’t drink.Church family. I had anger issues. She left.Been almost 3 yrs.
    Im broke. No hope. ???
    Didnt realize so many others going through same.
    So what do we do ?
    I can barely look toward tomorrow.

    Reply
  15. Josh

    Met in high school, got married shortly after I finished Basic Training. I cheated within the first 18 months. She then proceeded to cheat multiple times over the next 13 years. I always tried to forgive and start over. 5 years ago she walked out the door, leaving me and our three kids to go live with her boyfriend. There’s not a day that goes buy that I don’t think about her. She’s moved on but I can’t seem to. Have tried dating, making new friends, new hobbies…at the end of the day I go home and to bed alone and wake up having to force myself through the day. I’ve heard “Time helps” and “It’ll get better”, my question is When? When will I stop feeling this utter and complete despair and emptiness? I’ve tried to move on, Lord knows I’ve tried, but five years later I’m still alone and miserable.

    Reply
  16. Fred

    I loved my ex-wife more fiercely than anything or anyone I’ve ever known. But something snapped in her when she became pregnant. She became as mean as a cut snake. Verbally abusive, completely cut off the romantic relationship, demanded the world and gave back absolutely nothing but demands and abuse. I was just her ATM and poorly treated butler. After about two and a half years of that, I pulled the plug. I made the right call to leave and I’d do it again if I were sent back. But, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t fantasize about what it would have been like if she were still here and we somehow found peace. When I’m not paying attention, I still will check menus for dishes she likes, think of inside jokes which can’t be told anymore and we even had our own secret language. I would have had a much sadder life if I didn’t ask for a divorce, but I still lost my other half and my wounds from it still bleed every day.

    Reply
  17. C Folez

    Simply Put:
    If she left YOU, or YOU left her, remember:
    Because of that, YOU NOW REALIZE, whether you want to or not… SHE WAS NOT THE RIGHT ONE.

    SHE WAS NOT the one you are supposed to be with.

    Moving forward Advice, for the tough days when you don’t want to wake up:
    1. CONTROL ONLY WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL, which is YOU, not them.
    2. Give yourself a Breather. FORGIVE YOURSELF for your mistakes. Honestly just say to yourself: “Hey what happened has happened. I will move on from this. I aim to learn from my Mistakes, and it happens in life. We all make mistakes, but I forgive myself for them, because I will learn from them, and though I hurt now, all cuts and scrapes scab and then heal. Even though there may be a small scar from this, I will take measures to lessen the appearence of that scar that are real and genuine. What i do today, will be the “Maderma” that I put on the scars of my soul…. Make it your mantra.

    (!) We are Men, and we will not allow ANYONE to make us feel like we are Little Boys.

    (!) MAKE THIS YOUR MANTRA when ready:
    * WORK HARD, PLAY HARD, & BE A GOOD GUY*

    It is time to MAN Up.I believe in You, which is why I wrote this to YOU. Yes you, the guy reading this, going through philisophical life shit. Knock this out. Time does heall all, but slower than we wish. You want to heal? Start with little intentional steps in becoming fucking Awesome again.

    PS. Women are really needy in the post divorce dating world. Be aware.

    Wear a condom, no matter what too. A lot of these women maybe even have an std which is why they are so needy.

    Lastly, be TRUE to YOU. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE NOW LOOKING OUT FOR YOUR BEST INTEREST AND BEST LIFE.

    If you really want something, you can have it, but do it realistically with a true vision. Be methodical in all that you do to grow from this.

    Look at the Marathon of Life in these terms: You pulled a hamstring at Mile 12, there is so much more to go and to run. Nurse your injury successfully, because the better you treat yourself and your “injury” the sooner you actually heal. YOU WILL REALIZE THIS, when you have been good to yourself, treated yourself, and start running again (noticing how good mile 17 just felt, and the sun is shining.)

    I am still figuring out my own life, but these words absolutely ring true.

    Also, Men age better than women. As you may have read that statement earlier. How many 51 year old women do you see with guys that are 27? you don’t, not often anyway. Get whatever you want out of life, because it is yours. Have a mission of what you want, NOT how you feel right now. Get up, and get moving. Don’t like your job? Get a new one. Don’t like your shitty car? set up a plan to buy one that you want. It is about You and Your kids. They want to see how Awesome their Dad got to be when he was free from an overstepping wife/mother. They will Love and Respect you more for it in the long run.

    Stear clear of women that are emotionally resentful to their Ex Husbands. The baggage rarely gets handled on their end. And lastly, Don’y be a Dick to women, but don’t be a Vagina either. REmember, WOMEN want MEN, not little Men or Boys. Be a MAN. LOVE WHO YOU ARE GOING TO BECOME and THE GUY (you right now) who MADE THE DECISION to get YOU There.

    Reply
  18. Simon

    I got jealous about this male friend who came into her life and began getting insecure and ended up cheating and breaking our marriage up. I instantly regretted it and made every attempt to reconcile but for her the trust has gone. My problem is now we’re stuck living down the road to eachother, we have kids, and she’s still got a close friendship with this guy and it still drives me absolutely insane. I can’t let go because we spend time together, we get closer and then it all screws up again and she says we’re just friends. I can’t cut her out my life and she doesn’t want to repair our relationship so I’m stuck in this two year long nightmare. So aside from suicide has anyone got any advice or options for me?

    Reply
  19. Brett

    I read some amazing things here. My exwife had desired a life at ome point that I couldnt seem to get on board with. We went through a divorce, as much as I went through all the motions as many of you, I remained as supportive of her decisions. We lost all connection for yrs. I remained “stuck” for about 3yrs. I eventually started dating a young woman, 3 mths in she became pregnant with my amazingly beautiful daughter and we are still together today. Its been 5yrs. One day about 3mths ago,my exwife text me, we laid down everything we been through, we helped eachother heal and forgive mistakes. Shes since ceased any contact again. Although we both agreed we still loved eachother and both wished things were different, we both now have children we love with someone else. There isnt a day that goes by, even after 5yrs that i dont miss her. She was my sole mate. My advice to those struggling, live life day by day, learn to recenter yourself and find peace with self.

    Reply
  20. Mike

    Hi everyone

    I got divorced in 2005. My son got married, so I saw my ex. When we divorced, I thought I had moved on. It all came back after seeing her, the hardest part was the conversation where we talked like we used to, then she caught herself, and switched the conversation to travel. I realized what I missed, even though she dumped me. I loved to make her laugh, and did on that day three weeks ago. Over the years, she would hint about sex, but I never bit because of the children. I still have regrets, sure, but she is completely happy being irresponsible.

    I have led a shallow life, not having a gf because I worked all the time, and spent as much time with my children when they were growing up. I regret that now, but know that was a choice I made. I’m 56 now, disabled and unemployed…..so depressed.

    I was really shocked at how much I wanted her, more than ever frankly. But she is happy(or delusional), my kids are grown, and I have to accept it, because people get to be who they want to be. It doesn’t hurt less, I wish there was more love thrown my way for my sacrifices, but that doesn’t happen I guess in the real world. I just wanted to say thanks for all the letters in this thread, it makes me feel less lonely because others have the same feelings as I do.

    I guess it is a death in a way, you never get over it, but you have to live with it, even though their ghost keeps haunting you. I am the broken one, Always thinking about how good it was, what I wish I had done differently, even though she had a plan all along, and it was, on some level, a ruse. Maybe I had a ruse too, and just don’t want to admit it. Maybe it’s all rose colored glasses that I put on from time to time. But it still hurts to see her, because I loved her, and wish I could still be held by her, and loved by her.

    Reply
  21. Ron

    My wife threatened to leave a year ago in May. I had a terrible fall and had a pair of seizures shortly after. I was put on medication which put me on edge in every negative way. I was quick to anger, had horrible anxiety and struggled to sleep. She and my stepson began doing more and more together leaving me alone. My wife was not helpful with her attitude towards me either. April 27 I said after she jumped on me, if you want to go, just go then. So June 1 they moved out. I quit the stupid medication and feel amazingly better, but very sad that she is gone. I have talked to her a few times since and she is still very angry. Says she paid for everything, that I was always stressing her out by yelling. I know what I did was wrong, but she paints it like I was that 24/7, which is completely wrong. I need to focus on what her negatives were, and there were many. Red flags that I chose to ignore because she loved me like no other. I am working on fixing myself and am well on my way, but it still hurts very much how she talks to me and how she remembers things.

    Reply
  22. Jay

    Mike, my ex divorced me 2years ago…we had dated 6 years and got married, raised a single boy by choice, who is now an adult and married himself. Our union lasted 30 years. She filed for divorce the week after our son got married. I miss her, because was my first and only mate and obviously the mother of my only son. She is a nice person, but very stubborn, hold grudges and is never wrong….her favorite phase was “you always” negative context.
    I am in 59, but in far better physical health than her, nevertheless I will never again get emotionally involved with any other woman, basically because I could never trust her.

    I live alone and love my freedom. I am economically in a good place , don’t owe anything to anyone and do as I see fit. Nights and some songs bring up memories that are depressing to me, so I work extra hard to block them getting myself busy with challenging mind games before bedtime. I elected to live in the same area, about half mile away from my old place, which she kept, after buying me out. Even though we live near, I make every possible effort to not see or talk to her…no contact at all is the best possible way to get over someone who is unwilling to work out things. Be positive and take charge of your sad and depressed thoughts. I liked my ex, but I realized I don’t want to live with her.

    Reply
  23. Antonio telena

    So about 5 years ago my my wife/mother of kids decided that she wanted to be single. Now there were allot of things going on that I would rather not get in to but a big part had to do with a addiction to a controlled substance after our daughter had been born. At the time she decided she made her decision I was really trying to get her to get help. Long story short I told her I would support her in getting sober but I would not support her habit. Soon after she she cheated I knew what happened immediately but did not know what to do. Shortly after she broke it off. Odly enough even with all I knew I was devastated. Gave everything I had trying to save my family “literally”.
    Long story short
    I destroyed myself trying to hold on. After a couple years I cut all contact with her “I was on drugs at that point”. About a year after that I got my life together she had done the same a year earlier. We began talking and became friends again.she got engaged and I’m happy for her. I have plenty of reasons to hate/blame her but I do not. I blame myself for allot of things but not that. Not angry about the past and I am no one’s victim. Then Resently She told me she still loves me and it still hurts. I couldn’t even say anything. 6 years and that pain is still the same. I learned to deal with it even hide it. Truth is I never stopped loving her. Knowing she feel’s the same pain makes it hurt so much worse.

    Sorry wall of text. I am open to any advice or suggestions.

    Reply
  24. Michael

    Well men Im in this situation where I lost what was my dream girl she actually died on my couch and for 23 seconds was dead I revived her and after that out love was better then the Notebook. Her dreams where meet a guy who actually loves me fully and have a baby. She had a biopsy at 14 and told by 3 doctors she will never have a baby. So she tried with ex husband a old relationship and drunken 1 night stand and nope. Here comes me and boom shes pregnant and our marriage was amazing our baby girl was born and suddenly things changed as her phone became a priority and not me so I did verbally abused her but not name calling or any heated yelling no bad C word or even B word she stopped communicating and when 5 times bought her cards, love letters she would not open them I had to beg her to. I had really bad abusive exs who hitted me and verbally hurt me. What comes next really happened and im close to suicide even started to write my goodbye letters. She has changed into a completely new person as we split. She told me today after she has no one im like u have me baby geez we once had the most amazing love life we made people jealous why have u changed I admitted its ny fault with some verbal abuse im in counseling im on a antidepressant. How can u say that so for 3 years u saying i treat u like shit I worked 110 hours a week for u so we get a house and have a great life im building ur empire I never told her what to do she wanted something she got it I never said no, and as im writing this in the hospital because im suicidal, i got fired today because I have been crying at work for nearly two weeks and just had a huge promotion and 5 dollar a hour raise bye bye 150K a year career and I dont love u. I worshiped the ground all I did was kill myself to make her happy I always cried took the blame even if she pays attention on her phone and not me when I look towards her phone she turn it away. SHE RUINED ME and all I did was love her so deeply and why she change. Why she acting like this. She knows that her and our baby is the reason why i wanted to wake up every morning. All her abuse words and im don’t want to live anymore

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  25. Andy

    My wife of 14 years (17 together) walked in out of the blue in January and said she didn’t think she wanted to be married anymore. Our marriage was difficult for many years. I had cancer (2007) the same year our daughter was born and the economy crashed. Cancer and the economy combined devastated us financially for a decade. We made it through but it was always very hard. I expected this for years and it never came. Then in 2019 we came back together (emotionally – we were never not actually together) and had the 2 best years we have had maybe since we got married. Then a week before she turned 42 she does this. We are waiting for the divorce. I moved out. I know she loves me and she is without a doubt the love of my life and I am crushed. I dont understand why NOW. Why after these 2 years and with things moving in the right direction for us finally?? She said she still wants to see me but that she need this now? I of course told her I would always do anything for her so I agreed to do this. Not that I could have stopped it but u know what mean. I told her I do want to see her still as well. People tell me it’s dumb and I get that of course. However, she is all I have wanted since the day we met. If I can handle this I am going to try even though everything inside is telling me to go completely from her (aside from our parenting duties of course). Our daughter Is doing okay as we are still talking and I am helping her with things around the house too. I know its probably not healthy to see her and we have slept together once already. She made it clear it wouldn’t change our situation and I already knew that. We spoke the next day and she said she was okay and she and I are okay we just need a new start?? Unmarried. She hasn’t been unfaithful and neither have I during our relationship or now. I am torn on what to do. I dont want to let go and if I can see her still some it feels like I haven’t. She said people get divorced and remarried all the time. I don’t know what to do.

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  26. Sam

    I’m in a different boat. I divorced my ex and didn’t take it well. I ended up in a rebound relationship with a woman I met on holiday that my mate hooked me up with. I don’t blame him. He was trying to cheer me up and thought she was so different to my ex that I would enjoy the novelty. Well, I did. Too much. I was so starved of love and attention and lonely that I jumped into a long distance relationship with her, agreed to get engaged after barely a year of online calls and married her in a cheap registry office so she could get a passport. I know now that I was just desperately trying to fill the gap my ex wife had left behind. She seemed nice enough, looked good, and gave me a sob story about her ex, and I fell for it.

    My new wife is nothing like my ex, in all the wrong ways. My ex was driven, passionate, intelligent, brilliant in so many ways. I never appreciated that when I was with her. Wife #2 has shown me what I am missing by being none of those things. She is an angry, abusive, controlling gold-digger who refuses to work more than a few weeks a year, criticises and starts fights over every single thing, and seems to want to bankrupt me with all of her demands to buy sh*t we don’t need. She knew I had a young daughter when we met that would stay over a couple of nights a week and was fine with it. Now she barely tolerates being in the same room and it’s WW3 if she has to look after her while I work. She argues that she contributes by running the house, but I lived alone in the past and know from experience the chores only take a couple of hours at most. I’m not an idiot! She just wants to sit and drink and smoke pot all day or hang out at her gym doing god knows what! She won’t even come to my gym as she doesn’t like it, which makes me suspicious as she is very friendly with a personal trainer she has.

    I’m finally on ok terms with my ex. For a long time I was still both angry and in love with her, long after I’d remarried. Compared to my ex, my new wife is like a spoilt bitchy teenager that expects to snap her fingers and have the entire world do what she wants. I feel like a complete moron for every agreeing to marry her and I’m scared she will end up bankrupting me. We took out a huge mortgage to get a big house she wanted, on the understanding that we would have two salaries to pay it back. I’m stuck covering it on my own while she runs off shopping or working out all day. I’ve been played and I don’t know how to get out of it without destroying my finances yet again.

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  27. Sophia

    I WISH my ex-husband would get over me. We have been separated for more than a decade and I have seen him once in the last seven years. Yet he still refuses to sign the divorce papers. I think it’s because of spite: he does pretty much everything on this list. He thinks I left him because I’m a selfish inhuman monster who wanted to hang out by the pool in a skimpy bikini and flirt with all the lifeguards. I left him because he was violent and terrifying.

    I’ve just never been able to understand why his version of history is so different to my own. Even after being cautioned by police twice, he was still sending me emails along the lines of, “we were perfectly happy and you destroyed my bliss for no reason, you b*tch.” Two broken ribs, a black eye, and fifteen years of death threats and stalking. Yet STILL he blames me.

    Of course, if he continues to refuse to sign the divorce papers the real story is going to get dragged through the courts, and I don’t want that. Even now I don’t think he could cope with the reality of who he was. His mind just rejects it. So it must be all me, the selfish b*tch who left him alone to his pity party.

    Jeez, imagine thinking that only one person out of eight billion is capable of putting up with you, and if they leave, you’re doomed forever. Not only that, but it’s all THEIR fault for daring to want more than sharing in your life of misery. That’s a pretty messed up attitude.

    (No, this isn’t shaming genuine depression. There’s no shortage of people with moderate and severe mental illness who don’t turn into angry moping stalkers for more than a decade after that one person they fixated on as a teenager decided to walk away).

    Reply
  28. Gary Hargreaves

    my wife left me and divorced me after 25 years 15 months ago. I feel worse today than i did 15 months ago. I found your website in my desperation and read everything above. I am not doing any of the 6 things you suggest but I cannot get over it. i found your advice unhelpful and full of psychobabble that meant absolutely nothing to me. None of your advice helps me. I just want to end it all. There is nothing positive in my life to hang on to, and believe me I have tried. This has finished me and left me broken.

    Reply
  29. Been There

    My wife did the same (25 years, 2 kids). You have to value who you were and still are as a person. I went through your pain for about the first 9 months of the divorce, but I had to re-learn what I liked about ME. The only way I was able to do this was through prayer and a resolution not to deal with her in any way at all, not because she was evil or because she was “in the wrong”, but because I needed my sanity back. Once I got to that point (and like I said it took about 9-10 months) I was able to get past it. You need professional help if you really feel broken by this after 15 months. YOU are more valuable, and deserve to be happy without pining away after someone who treated you so badly. Face it, if you “had her back in your life” you’d be miserable wondering who she was seeing when. You’re worth more than that. In my case, I was too old to have an interest in other women, or for them to have an interest in me, but I learned that being alone at this age doesn’t mean being lonely. Cultivate your old friends, and re-establish connections. There’s a lot of life left, and it’s enjoyable.

    Reply
  30. Johnny Lavery

    8 years later and I’m still doing all of these. Thanks for putting it in writing

    Reply
  31. Robert E

    It has been three years since my divorce. The good parts of our 13 year marriage continues to be burned in my mind.

    In a recent conversation with my older (age 24) daughter, it was shared (on several occasions) that my ex-wife voiced how horrible I was as a husband.

    Some parts of the narrative are true but most are so left field I wonder what reality all about. It sucks that my older daughter believes in some of the ridiculous narratives (I never cheated).

    The reality that she omits is that she left me and our youngest daughter ( This daughter was 10 at the time) for another man.

    I am writing this because my ex-wife seems to make excuses to talk to me (not our youngest daughter (age 14 now) so much) and then “goes dark” for a couple months. I shouldn’t care but I worry about her.

    I need to emotionally cut ties and eventually will but it has been difficult.

    It takes two to get married but only one to divorce. I had no say in the dissolution of my marriage but I have a say in finding life again.

    Reply
  32. Dan

    First of all thanks for the blog is good to read others within the same situation.

    Myself I have been divorced since 2016 from my wife whom I had been with for 16 years. Was married for eight of those years. I didn’t see it coming at all like some here. The issue was me and I own that, as I had a drinking problem. I was an alcoholic, I would drink mostly everyday and get hammered. I was aggressive and verbally abusive, and even blamed her for ‘nagging’ me. We had two beautiful children during those years of marriage. I do miss them very dearly as only see them every odd week. The routine was and is still the think I feel lost with. Like getting the kids ready for school and walking them down or driving. Cooking dinner and eating with the family, going out with the kids. Now when living alone all this disappears. It really tears me apart when I see happy families out, and do think why did I mess up so bad. I had everything I could wish for a beautifal caring wife, two gourgeuos children the pet dog everything. Then all gone due to my selfish stupidity.

    In 2020 I went to an Drugs Alcohol Counsellor and finally got sober. As this was the root of all my problems in life. Though it was the same thing that was my self coping mechanism, even before my separation and divorce.

    I always overthink and do the “what if..” scenarios. It does send me insane at times. I am trying to focus and not do this critical thinking. I am also seeing a psychologist for my mental health which helps.

    I respect my ex, it is very unfortunate as to what happened, and I wish it did not occur. Though I can only blame myself for the ongoing behaviour.

    Thanks

    Reply
  33. Jonathan Campos

    I read all the comments and its crazy the majority are male. Why is it that we are painted as these monsters by women but in love we are puppies. I’m so tired of trying. I am in my second divorce and when she came crawling back i took her in only to have her say she didn’t love me and could never be with me. I know it will be a while until I get over her, married almost 9 years before we separated. I tried dating when she left, looking for that rebound to forget her but it just reminded me more of her. She cheated on me with a co-worker. they are never just a friend, never harmless. I could never trust another women with my heart. As much as I want to find that love I know i deserve I don’t want to go through the heartache of failing again.

    Reply
  34. Jose

    I’m currently going through a divorce and it hurts and don’t know how to deal with it. We were together 22 years and I cheated on her in my early 20s. She never forgave me for it and reminded me every day about it. I put her through college and now has a good career . Seems to me once she got started she didn’t need me anymore. And now she is currently dating one of her coworkers . While I stayed single, depressed and a alcoholic. I just found out hes staying with her at my house.
    I Completely lost it. But what I don’t get is that she’s with him and she’s out getting drunk every other night. But texting me that she misses us and sends me videos of us and sad songs but pulls away when I try to be there. Which it messes me up. My job told me to take the month off because I’m not mentally right. Idk what to do

    Reply

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