One of my most popular articles on Divorced Girl Smiling is , “Honey, I want a Divorce: when a Woman Decides to Leave.” There are currently hundreds of comments posted from men and women who have yelled at each other (in writing), battling this argument out: When a woman leaves you, is it justified? Or did she give up too soon?
The following comment (from a man) particularly caught my attention because he brings up many good but arguable points:
Every story is different but what I’ve noticed in my life is this happens too often: People who have affairs often try and cover up the dirty business and blame the spouse. It’s defense mechanism, obviously.
It’s a mind-blowingly painful thing for a man to have images of his sweet and loving wife in the throes of passion with another man. To know that the same night they were kissing and reading storybooks to their children, this same “wife” had been out giving a blowjob to her tennis instructor. That she had had him in our home.
The issue with women is this. They get bored and restless. They don’t know how to maintain the ‘good girl’ image and fulfill their naughty desires with their husbands at the same time. Some married man comes along, pays them attention and compliments, and before you know it they are sexting and talking bad about each other’s spouses, how they were meant for each other, etc. They will do anything and everything to protect their image.
Those of you here in deep affairs know what I am talking about. It’s a real corruption of the soul and really just fueled by lust and soul mate feelings, all of which pass with time. So many women go through this process because they think their husbands ‘won’t change’ even though they themselves have not made any indication of what the change is.
Women always feel like they are doing everything.. job, kids, home.. and that they deserve to be treated like a queen. Question is.. are you treating your husband like a king? Don’t complain about neglect or lack of romance if your loving husband becomes the ‘boring’ husband during your affair. Affairs reshape the mind, rewrite the history and everything else.
Women often defend women in these cases, and it is really appalling. As if women are the only ones with feelings that count. Or those feelings count the most.
Do right and love the one you are with. You made a commitment, kids need their parents to be whole unit. Don’t leave a marriage just because some of the spark is gone. Put down Eat, Pray, Love and talk to your husband. I mean really talk .. about all the things you’ve always wanted to say but didn’t dare. That is your greatest challenge. Same goes for guys – I’d give them the same advice. Cheating husbands don’t get off the hook.
Be kind to those you love. Life is not just about un-relented passion and joy and feeling ‘alive’. Affairs are a fantasy and even if you wind up with your affair partner, the same stuff will most likely come rolling back down later on. And if you get cheated on, you can’t complain. Be truthful in life. It’s the best policy to harmony and love. And passion.
Here is what I would like to say in response to his comments:
People who have affairs blame their spouse.
You are correct. This infuriates me, because I know so many people who are victims of this, both men and women. The thing is, some people who have affairs hate themselves deep down, and so they deal with it by placing their self-hatred onto their spouse. If your wife left you for someone else, doesn’t it help just knowing that?! It’s not YOU! It’s your spouse’s self-hatred!
The good girl image.
Married men and women both need to learn how to “fulfill their naughty desires” with each other. Any therapist will tell you just how healthy it is to talk about what you need with your spouse, and sext him or her and have wild sex. That’s what solemates do. They don’t look for it elsewhere. They have it all: lust and love.
I’ve seen countless men and women do this. It makes them feel better to rewrite what happened, and they actually end up believing their own version. It sort of like O.J. Simpson, and how he really believes he didn’t kill Nicole. What your cheating spouse believes is something you can’t control, so let it go. You know what really happened.
Women defend women.
Of course women defend other women, just as your guy friends take your side.
Talk to your husband.
This is the part that really hit home for me. This guy is so right. I wish women (and men) would really sit down and talk, and not wait for too many months or years to go by, when their disappointments turn into resentment and eventually apathy, and they reach the point of no return. I truly believe if you married someone, short of a really bad deal breaker, you can get your love back. I just met a woman whose husband cheated 8 years ago. At the time, they had an infant. They got back together three years later and have now been together for 5. They are very happy. She told me they never stopped trying.
What?! Life IS about un-relented passion and joy and feeling ‘alive’.
This is where I really have to disagree with this man. Any relationship (which includes marriage, of course) deserves un-relented passion. Sorry. Every woman wants that forever, and I think it can be achieved if worked for. Saying “it fades” is just lame and lazy. The key is to keep it. That might mean little romantic gestures, getaway weekends, even meeting up at a hotel. Yes, women feel like they do everything—job, kids, etc. But, they don’t mind doing everything if they feel they are appreciated and cherished by their husband. And vice versa.
Like this article? Check out, “I Can’t Get Over My Ex-wife”