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    When a Woman Leaves You: Justified? or Did She Give Up Too Soon?By Jackie Pilossoph

    One of my most popular blogs on Divorced Girl Smiling is called, “Honey, I want a Divorce: when a Woman Decides to Leave.” There are currently 68 comments posted from…..

    One of my most popular blogs on Divorced Girl Smiling is called, “Honey, I want a Divorce: when a Woman Decides to Leave.” There are currently 68 comments posted from men and women who have yelled at each other (in writing), battling this argument out: When a woman leaves you, is it justified? Or did she give up too soon?

    The following comment (from a man) particularly caught my attention because he brings up many good but arguable points:

     

    Every story is different but what I’ve noticed in my life is this happens too often: People who have affairs often try and cover up the dirty business and blame the spouse. It’s defense mechanism, obviously.

     

    It’s a mind-blowingly painful thing for a man to have images of his sweet and loving wife in the throes of passion with another man. To know that the same night they were kissing and reading storybooks to their children, this same “wife” had been out giving a blowjob to her tennis instructor. That she had had him in our home.

    Jeremy Woods, Senior Mortgage Banker

     The issue with women is this. They get bored and restless. They don’t know how to maintain the ‘good girl’ image and fulfill their naughty desires with their husbands at the same time. Some married man comes along, pays them attention and compliments, and before you know it they are sexting and talking bad about each other’s spouses, how they were meant for each other, etc. They will do anything and everything to protect their image.

     Those of you here in deep affairs know what I am talking about. It’s a real corruption of the soul and really just fueled by lust and soul mate feelings, all of which pass with time. So many women go through this process because they think their husbands ‘won’t change’ even though they themselves have not made any indication of what the change is.

     Women always feel like they are doing everything.. job, kids, home.. and that they deserve to be treated like a queen. Question is.. are you treating your husband like a king? Don’t complain about neglect or lack of romance if your loving husband becomes the ‘boring’ husband during your affair. Affairs reshape the mind, rewrite the history and everything else.

    The Center for Divorce Recovery

     Women often defend women in these cases, and it is really appalling. As if women are the only ones with feelings that count. Or those feelings count the most.

     Do right and love the one you are with. You made a commitment, kids need their parents to be whole unit. Don’t leave a marriage just because some of the spark is gone. Put down Eat, Pray, Love and talk to your husband. I mean really talk .. about all the things you’ve always wanted to say but didn’t dare. That is your greatest challenge. Same goes for guys – I’d give them the same advice. Cheating husbands don’t get off the hook.

     Be kind to those you love. Life is not just about un-relented passion and joy and feeling ‘alive’. Affairs are a fantasy and even if you wind up with your affair partner, the same stuff will most likely come rolling back down later on. And if you get cheated on, you can’t complain. Be truthful in life. It’s the best policy to harmony and love. And passion.

     Here is what I would like to say in response to this:

     

     People who have affairs blame their spouse.

    You are correct. This infuriates me, because I know so many people who are victims of this, both men and women. The thing is, some people who have affairs hate themselves deep down, and so they deal with it by placing their self-hatred onto their spouse. If your wife left you for someone else, doesn’t it help just knowing that?! It’s not YOU! It’s your spouse’s self-hatred!

     

    The good girl image.

    Married men and women both need to learn how to “fulfill their naughty desires” with each other. Any therapist will tell you just how healthy it is to talk about what you need with your spouse, and sext him or her and have wild sex. That’s what solemates do. They don’t look for it elsewhere. They have it all: lust and love. 

     

    Rewriting history.

    I’ve seen countless men and women do this. It makes them feel better to rewrite what happened, and they actually end up believing their own version. It sort of like O.J. Simpson, and how he really believes he didn’t kill Nicole.  What your cheating spouse believes is something you can’t control, so let it go. You know what really happened.

     

    Women defend women.

    Of course women defend other women, just as your guy friends take your side. Get over it.

     

    Talk to your husband.

    This is the part that really hit home for me. This guy is so right. I wish women (and men) would really sit down and talk, and not wait for too many months or years to go by, when their disappointments turn into resentment and eventually apathy, and they reach the point of no return. I truly believe if you married someone, short of a really bad deal breaker, you can get your love back. I just met a woman whose husband cheated 8 years ago. At the time, they had an infant. They got back together three years later and have now been together for 5. They are very happy. She told me they never stopped trying.

     

    What?! Life IS about un-relented passion and joy and feeling ‘alive’. 

    This is where I really have to slap this guy on the wrist. Any relationship (which includes marriage, of course) deserves un-relented passion. Sorry. Every woman wants that forever, and I think it can be achieved if worked for. Saying “it fades” is just lame and lazy. The key is to keep it. I don’t care how. If you have to hire a sitter and go to a hotel, then so be it. Whatever it takes to keep things exciting, do it! Little romantic gestures go a long way. Yes, women feel like they do everything—job, kids, etc. But, they don’t mind doing everything if they feel they are appreciated and cherished by their husband. And vice versa.

     

    Jackie Pilossoph

    Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

    24 Replies

    zee April 12, 2015Reply

    Wonder if I have the courage to leave my 40 yo wife for 22 yo waitress. Uh, wait....

    Anonymous December 16, 2016Reply

    I think a woman who wants un-relented passion should stay single and not hurt anybody

    Dan January 04, 2017Reply

    My wife just left me and our 3 year old child 2 weeks before Christmas. She was staying gone for days at a time, lying about everywhere she was going, and on December 18th she told me I'll be back in like an hour I have to go get a part for my car. 3 hours later after no call or text my daughter sees a picture of her mom and some dude hugging by a Christmas tree. I confronted her and she says he's just a friend. Bullshit. So I kicked her ass out cause my name is on the bills and lease. For Christmas he bought her a ring and she still says he's a friend. Wtf kind of friend fucks with a married woman in the first place knowing she lives with her husband and child, than gives her a ring for Christmas? Man, my first time ever married and cheated on. It hurts pretty bad to be honest.

      Sean April 03, 2018Reply

      It does man. Im 30, i have a 3 year old with my wife. When you posted this comment she was JUST starting to cheat. i found out in October and we split up. I found out last month she is living with him in a new apartment. Where my son sleeps. its enraging for sure. Just know in the end we will have the last laugh. Someone like that inst capable of love the way you and i see it and will end up alone and alienated from all social circles after habitually doing that to other men again and again

    Leroy January 29, 2017Reply

    My wife left me for a man 18 yrs older me and sick. And I'm a state where I know no one but her. After 11 years 4 KIDS she is my second REAL relationship. My HEART is broken and I'm trying to trust woman again. I look at all woman as CHEATERS I messed up too but I always stayed FAITHFUL

    Mike April 01, 2017Reply

    My wife demanded a Mercedes after I just found another job after six months out of work. I told her to wait until we were in a better financial situation. She then left me for another guy. All of that after seven years of marriage. Feminism has ruined women and marriage in America. I am done with it.

    Kevin May 02, 2017Reply

    After 9 years together and 4 of marriage and 2 wonderful kids, my wife left me after stating she had met someone else. She had met the guy at work and had been texting him for 6 months, 4 months in the relationship became physical. Around this time my wife and I started having what I thought was minor issues, so I tryed to improve the situation, spending more time with her, making dinner helping the kids with homework etc. Not knowing that she had already made her mind to leave for this guy she barely knew, as outside of work she didn't have time to meet him. I put my hands up and have said I may not have been the best husband and father but I was always willing to try to make things work, I was just never given the chance. I asked her how she felt about what she did, and was told she felt no guilt or remorse about the situation and that I put her in this position. I'm disappointed that she has changed so much and seems to care so little for me after all we have been through. Deep down I know she feels regret it is she just can't get past this infacuation she has with this older man (19 years older). He is giving her what she thinks is the love and attention that I wasn't. One day this will all fade, or worse he will cheat on her, as he was married at the time of being with my wife. I don't want to see that happen, I would never want her to feel the way I have felt during this time. At the end of the day I love her very much and I want her to be happy, and I hope she is

    Vic May 03, 2017Reply

    I think there is usually a pattern in a wife leaving. Usually she is in her late 20-s /early 30-s, married and bored with her husband to death. Usually no kids or 1. Then, since she is still very young and older more accomplished men pay attention to her, someone with much higher income wood her away. She then starts sleeping with that man, while discarding her faithful husband like the cruel narcissist that she is. You ask "is it justified"? About as much as a 40 year old man leaving his faithful wife and 4 kids for a 20 year old hottie Did she give up too soon? Wrong question. It is not about her husband it is about her. She is an oxytocin junkie who needs a new source. She also needs to trade up.

      Sean April 03, 2018Reply

      This is my EXACT situation. 30, with a 3 year old. She discarded me like the NARC she is. Only difference is she didnt trade up, she traded down because there was onyl one single guy in the social circle she wanted to join. looks like we know that social status is whats most important to her. Narc Bitch.

    Tony June 08, 2017Reply

    So my wife first cheated on me with my best friends wife. I had a hard time trying to learn to trust her again, within that time she decided to join the military, while I continued school, worked two jobs, took care of our son, maintained the house, the bills, and still remained faithful, loyal, honest, when she was home; I gave her all the attention she could ask for as well as for our son. I made sure all the meals were prepped and ready for the next day, I don't where I went wrong. While I was working the two jobs I still made more than she did while she was in the military. She claimed that I wasn't a provider that was the only thing that she could say. And even though I made more than she did and I showed her the proof it wasn't enough. As it turns out eight months in of being in the military she had already cheated 3 times with 3 different men then when she left on deployment another 3, the last man she decided to stay with, this is when she got back from her deployment she had already been messing around with him, she started going out not coming home for days at a time and when she did I could smell him all over her, then she decided that she wanted a divorce because she wanted to be with him, I was so emotionally distraught I lost both my jobs she kicked me out of the house and left me homeless I was living in my car for three weeks, during this time she still said that she felt nothing had no remorse. She apologized, but I can tell it wasn't sincere she could not look at me in the eye while apologizing, as time has gone on she's done worse things like whipping our just turned three-year-old with a belt, she's told me that just because I interact with my son that doesn't make me a good father, she's told me that I'm not man enough and that I am nothing but a P**y, she's denied me visitations, continues to lie about things. It has become so bad I do not know who this woman is, but deep down I know the woman knew died,. I've come to realize that she never loved me to begin with, this is a marriage of 8 years. It has been 9 months, and I'm still devastated, hurt, betrayed, broken, shebstill continues to treat me like crap and denies me our son, I've spoken to lawyers mediators her commanding officers family Advocate CPS, and all because she is a woman, the justice system still provides her custody of the child, I am now back in law enforcement, again making way more than she does, going to school, I have a home and family as backup, how is any of this right? I don't understand how someone could be so cruel to someone that loved them unconditionally and the fact that she is not only doing it to me she's doing this to our son. Any advice?

    D July 10, 2017Reply

    This article seems to describe to truth about women cheating. I am about to finalize a divorce with my wife, who was my best friend since highschool. I always tried to talk about things and hopefully improve our relationship, she would say everything is just fine and dandy. Of course, it was not fine, she wouldn't even hug me. Of course I found out that I was cheated on multiple times, as I work 6 days a week every week. Then she blames me for treating her badly and not having trust in her, notice this is after she cheated on me. She decided that we weren't going to work out after she stayed a week in a motel with her new boyfriend on my dime. And of course, she says that my distrust is the reason for divorce. She has convinced herself that she is an innocent victim, but will never admit that she caused all of the distrust in our relationship. I never cheated in my life, I worked my ass of to get her what she wanted. Now that I moved her items out of my house I realized that I had literally nothing, I had spent everything I had on her. But sure, I must be too boring and too untrusting. In recent times, I believe women just don't care about commitment or being there for anyone. It seems most important For women to be happy in a specific moment, and if they are not, no need to work it out, just swing onto the next branch.

      Jackie Pilossoph July 15, 2017Reply

      thank you so much for reaching out. Please read my latest blog post on Divorced Girl Smiling, in which I address this issue. Best wishes to you. I think your wife falls into the category of number 3 in my blog post!

        Adam November 16, 2017Reply

        I’ve been married over 11 years to the most beautiful woman. I’ve made many mistakes including having a pornography addiction and when arguing using harsh words. I’m not proud. However, I realized I turned my back on my faith. I actually loved my wife so much that I made my standards for her unfair. I still have more love for her than ever. My faith and relationship with God and through counseling has transformed all my wrongs within myself. Here’s the problem. We have 3 kids and I’ve found out of numerous affairs as far back as 9 years ago. She and I have been separated since 9/4/17. She is still with another man. I’m torn. I hate the hurt I feel but I have no more anger. I have more love than I ever have for her and I want nothing more than to work things out and show her how great things can be. But she hates and treats me like I’m the problem. It hurts so much to envision my entire life with this amazing woman and now she doesn’t exist nor want me. All she says is we are no good for each other and she needs to fix herself. If that’s the case why be with someone else and not be with me and our children. God can restore so much. I admit early in the separation I was angry. But now I just express my deepest love and care for her. She hasn’t filed for divorce yet and I know I don’t want a divorce. My faith and my love feel we can resolve everything if there is just a small opportunity. I even at least ask the affair ends until the divorce is final but I know none of that matters. It is the most painful thing to plan your entire life with someone no matter what and then then have numerous affairs and blame you and then leave you for someone else. All people in affairs I know. I have a career that requires long shifts and makes affairs easy and for her to say I wasn’t there. However I had this career when we met. I just want her to see who I am and give my kids and I a final chance of being together. She has been through a lot in life and I fear not facing her problems will only lead to her being hurt more down the road. I want to be her provider and supporter. I want to love her every single day and embrace her and show her unconditional love until the day I die. I feel so sorry for her and where she is at in her life. I pray for her heart and her faith. Vows before God are for life so divorce or not I will love her and be good to her for me and the kids. It will be the best example of love I can show my kids no matter the hurt it causes me. She really is worth it.

      Jack November 01, 2017Reply

      Email me. Our stories are identical What your deal in with sounds like NPD discard. I'm a year out and it hasn't gotten better

    Paul September 16, 2017Reply

    After 22 years of marriage. My wife left me for my good friend. She says she had been unhappy for some time and was going to leave anyway. The problem is I have suffered from anxiety and occasional depression. She was my source of support and love. I'm spiralling down and as I have just started to live on my own, I'm miserable and scared I can't adjust to this new life of being without my whole family. I am not working and am very depressed. I can't see life without her.

    Steve September 26, 2017Reply

    My wife left me for some guy she met online. We were together for 15 yrs with one beautiful 4 yr old little girl. All she could day was she wanted an open marriage, that she loved me still but also wanted to find out why she developed feelings for this online guy. Well seeing as how I know the true meaning of marriage, I was the one to initiate the divorce (extremely painful to do) so now as she stays with Mr. New I and my little girl are enjoying a much more positive environment away from any sullen feelings she brought to the table. I'm sure after a while she will realize the grass ain't greener, and once she tries to come back, she will have to make friends with my front door.

    Miguel April 05, 2018Reply

    My common law wife left me overnight. I was her fourth husband and the one who took on all four of her children from her precious relationships. Oldest turned out to be quite a handful drug users, binge drinkers and sleeping around with countless men. Her most recent ex was a sex offender and drug user who ended up in prison for the second time around. Both little ones did not recall and or remembered their biological father they only knew me as their Dad so I raised them as my own without questioning her precious relationships and or held anything against her. Took care of her even while she was at the hospital, at home sick bed ridden, cooked, cleaned the house, did laundry. Took care of the yard and supported her through her various jobs and while she traveled out of state for her work. Bought her two cars one just recently brand new that’s still on my name and she has not made a single payment yet. Eight years and she decides to get up and leave because she justifies it with I did not give the kids enough love and or attention. I fed them clothed them bottle fed the youngest one and changed his diaper. Cleaned their mess when they were so sick throwing. Up all over the house. Lost two jobs and my house was foreclosed because I gave up everything for her. At the present time she has cleaned out our joint bank account, came and broke in to the house we both shared and lived to ransack to load up almost all the furniture, kitchen stuff, even the master bedroom shower curtain, lot or electronics and even a brand new set of leather couches I had just bought on credit on my name to which I’m still paying. But what hurts the most is after she left she went ahead and purchased with my paycheck sexy night lingery on line that came in the mail, obviously not for us and or me. So I asked her why and how come, her excuse was for the kids to protect them and not to loose them like she did her oldest. Her oldest she had already done so much damage herself and she always blamed it on her failed relationships, so when I came into the picture they were in their middle teens and the oldest was almost 18. Too late for me to step in that Dad role but I did my best to help them our not once but several times even let them stay and live with us without asking them for any help. So as a fourth husband and step dad to four kids, I did everything I could for her and her children sacrificed so much time energy and effort plus I almost went bankrupt and at the end I got treated like garbage. Now I’m trying to get over the hurt and claw myself out of this financial hole she buried me deep in, yet I still find myself loving her and missing her but i can’t dwell in past memories and or feelings. Any advice or feed back please. Hurting step dad

      Miguel April 05, 2018Reply

      Meant to type “previous” relationships not precious

    Susan June 27, 2018Reply

    Hi everyone, i read your storys concerning your marriages, im not married in fact i have never been married or had the opportunity to build my life with someone in a loving relationship. I understand that it is hard to find someone who wont cheat, but to be fair you choose theses women over loving decent human beings, this is why our choices are important the women you cast aside may have treated you better. Im an attractive woman, professional. And im having trouble meeting someone decent to share my life with me. So graceful for what you had, which is somethink i never had

    Dave August 20, 2018Reply

    Similar situation to above. Wife of 20 years comes out of the blue and says she doesn’t love me any more. I find out she’s fallen for a guy she was at college with doing mature study in psychology and sociology. I think the course unlocked a lot of deep seated issues in her life and instead of turning to me to talk about things - she turned to another guy. I kept asking her to work at our relationship just as I was prepared to do but she wouldn’t even talk. She moved out and had lots of outside influences encouraging her to be happy and find someone else. Sad thing is she left her kids as well. That guy didn’t work out and she’s with another 10 years older now. Kills me that she wouldn’t work at it but I’ve filed for a divorce now due to her totally unreasonable behaviour. She blames me for everything but can’t see how she has had her part in everything that happened. Apparently monogamous = monotonous in a lot of women’s eyes. I never cheated once on her!

    Brian November 10, 2018Reply

    So many of the same stories. I have been with my wife for 21 years, 16 of those married. We have three beautiful children. My kids are a little older, 11, 16 and 19. We have had our ups and downs and yes I absolutely acknowledge my mistakes in the past. However, I was told that I needed to change. I did just that and have been working on myself since late 2016. I am a much better man, father and husband now. However, my wife ended up getting a new job and started only focusing on her job. During this time her manager, who is married and 20 years older than her started pursuing her. Of course she had an affair. I knew it was happening and took the steps to confirm. I am getting the same "we are incompatible, its your fault, if I were happy I would have done this, I love you but don't love you anymore" Its like they read from the damn playbook on how to act like a full blown cheater and different person. The wife I knew is gone. I am living in the same house as her in a different room. She alienated our two younger children during this same 1.5 year timeframe. The affair got physical about 6 months ago from what I noticed. Now she wants a divorce, doesnt want to work on it, will not acknowledge she did wrong, has no remorse etc. She is in the "Affair Fog". Right now all she sees is that she got caught having a relationship with someone she feels she loves. This man doesnt love her, he is using her for sex. He has not left his wife. He actually moved back in with his wife after living separate for a while. Now I am just waiting in limbo. I told her that I love her and that I am emotionally detaching from her. I have done that. I will not let her actions or behaviors dictate my well being. I continue to work on my childrens relationship with myself and will continue to better myself. If my wife wants a divorce she will need to go file. I have advised her that she can move out but she wont. I know she feels shame, guilt and deep down knows she did love me and that if she pulls the trigger on divorce that she will lose a lot. My kids want to live with me. Not because of the affair, but because she absolutely ignored them for the last 1.5 years while she traveled every week for 3-4 days and then started traveling much more when they got physical. I am devastated. I love my wife and I have changed drastically. I have changed physically and I have matured emotionally. If she was paying attention we would have a very strong marriage and family right now. But she wasnt watching, so she has convinced herself its all my fault. I will wait, I dont know how long, but I am not just sitting around dwelling on life. I am getting out and meeting new people and hanging out with good friends and taking my kids out.

    Ron December 22, 2018Reply

    My wife of 18 years left me for another man. Who just happens to be her employee and our neighbor. We have 4 kids together. He’s her soulmate who has 5 kids with 3 women. It hurts like hell but I found the strength after dealing with it for 5 months and filed for divorce. Don’t be a second option for the women. We deserve better. Good things will come to us. Things are turning around for me already as I reconnected with my ex girlfriend from high school who just ended her 10 year relationship. We are getting together soon when she comes home next month for drinks and dinner. Keep your head held high men!

    Ron May 14, 2019Reply

    Well it’s May and she had our final date postponed. Since December she has resigned from her position to avoid paying me child support and maintenance. Or so she thinks that will work. She had no idea that does not work that way. She is completely gone. Sugar Clit & Sparkle Dick have moved his 4 boys into our house. I’m very close to Meh. I just wish like a lot of these stories though, that she would move aside and leave me with our kids. She’s been trying to alienate them from me. Things certainly get better when you lose a cheater. You gain your life back.

    Brice June 28, 2019Reply

    I met my wife overseas and we maintained a 4 year long distance relationship. I would only see her 2 weeks at most in a year but we would always see each other via Skype. Then I proposed to her and we got married in her home country unofficially. After her K1 Visa was approved, she left her life to live with me. The problem with this is that when she decided to do it, she only thought of being with me and nothing else mattered. ,I worked really hard and supported her to this day and it has been 6 years and 9 months now and she wants a divorce. We were married for 5 years until we both agreed to have a child. Now he is two years old and she has been dating 4 guys and she has one as her boyfriend. She ran a 34k debt on her credit that I had no knowledge about until things got worse with her wanting divorce. I even helped her pay off that debt and I continued to give her money and she cheated on me using the car I had bought her a month before her pregnancy delivery. Overall, I relate everything to this because I'm being blamed for all of this happening and for calling her a bitch during a heated argument when she started telling me I may have an Attention deficit disorder problem, which I clearly do not since I'm working a high paying job nowadays. She does all these things to hurt me and she will profit for half of everything I have because I live in a community state. And she never provided financially to this family but instead focused on her Entrepreneurial ventures that failed..I have learned a big deal from this.

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