• Katz & Stefani
  • 3March

    Newly Separated Man Whose Wife Left Expresses Raw PainBy Jackie Pilossoph

    gratitude

    A comment posted on Divorced Girl Smiling by a newly separated man: I’ve been married to my best friend for over 10 years and we have beautiful kids. I’m not…..

    A comment posted on Divorced Girl Smiling by a newly separated man:

    I’ve been married to my best friend for over 10 years and we have beautiful kids. I’m not a drunk, I don’t hit anything or anyone and I’ve supported all of her ambitions to include her pursuit of higher education. We’ve had rough patches both made some stupid choices but made it thru, never back stepping. Every move made for the better. But now she wants a divorce. Why? Because she ” lost that feeling.” Can we go to counseling honey? NO!! Can we try and talk about it? NO! It’s over, people change! That’s all I get from the person that I’ve loved and side by side moved mountains with! No room for compromise, no way of opening up dialogue. NOTHING!

    I’ve lost everything that has been the center of my world! I don’t have the ability to be a part of my kids daily lives anymore. I miss out on the simple things with them that so many people take advantage of. I’m now living in a rented room because I don’t want to commit to a lease with the hope that my wife will call me any minute and say she loved me and that our marriage is worth fighting for. I lost everything and all for what? A feeling??? I’m tired of my kids crying every time they see me because they want me to come home! And all I can say is ” it will be OK” because I’m not going to put this BS on my wife in my kids eyes.

    I live minute to minute. I feel 2 inches tall and am so lonely that I’ve contemplated suicide but thank Yoda that my kids keep me in the game. So all of you people on here who are dumping worthy spouses, think about this. Your selfish fantasy isn’t worth crushing someone else’s world. If you are looking for excitement buy some Legos. Or better yet seek out adventure that you can share with the one person in this world who would love you completely, flaws and all.

    As for me, I’m here, dedicated to my family, fighting for my marriage all alone with my soul and spirit on her chopping g block. I’ll give up when the gavel drops. until then I’m just going to suffer this and love my wife while she’s at her worst. Because that’s when love and respect really matter!!And if she gets the divorce, I’ll be super dad and hope for the best and buy some Legos.

    Katz and Stefani Family Law Attorneys

    First of all, I want to hug this guy and tell him it’s going to be OK. I am very very concerned, the biggest one being that he said he has contemplated suicide. Please, please, please don’t harm yourself, and go talk to someone; a professional who can help you. Your kids need you, I bet your family needs you. And when you survive this time in your life, you are going to be happy and live a long life. PLEASE listen to me and seek some help. Tell a therapist your thoughts so he or she can give you the help you need to keep you safe.

    More advice: This might sound mean, but it’s honest. You (and no other man or woman) deserves credit for not being a drunk or hitting anyone. That is standard. There are no awards for being a normal person and acting as you are expected to act in society. Sorry. I heard a guy say recently, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” My reaction was, “Are you asking for credit for that? Not cheating is what is expected of a person when they get married. So don’t pat yourself on the back for not sleeping with other women when things got a little rough. It doesn’t make you a saint.”

    Here is where I completely understand your pain:

    Can we go to counseling honey? NO!! Can we try and talk about it? NO! It’s over, people change!

    This is so harsh and heartbreaking. No one deserves that. I wish I could hear what your ex has to say about why she’s doing this. Is there another man in the picture? Is she bottled up with resentment and anger that is just now coming out? Does she have other personal problems? I would love to know what her issue is, because you are right. Marriage means trying to work things out, unless there is a substance abuse issue or a physical abuse issue.

    Real Estate Mistakes in Divorce Happen Often

    I hear from so many men that the children are the most heartbreaking aspect for men whose wives leave them, and that having to move out of their home is the most difficult part. I’m so sorry. I get it. You aren’t alone in how you feel. My question is, what’s stopping you from trying to get 50/50 custody of them? Nothing. If you are a good father (which it sounds like you are) you should have no trouble getting as much time with them as you’d like. I know it seems really hard right now, but you will get used to seeing them less, and the time you spend with them will become better quality time, and might even bring you closer to them.

    You probably aren’t interested in taking advice from a woman, but I do want to tell you that I have seen firsthand dozens of single dads who are very happy. I promise.

    You also probably don’t believe me, but as time goes on, you will begin to heal and eventually become happy again in a life that makes sense to you. It will include your children, of course, but perhaps it will be a new career, or a new partner who comes along. Just let time go by and make the right, ethical decisions that will shape a good future for you and your kids. I will be wishing you the best.

    Jackie Pilossoph

    Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

    30 Replies

    Wes March 04, 2015Reply

    Hi, Great article and I can feel this guys pain. Great advice to him also. Suicide is a tough place to be and I get how easily it can cross into the mind. It sometimes feels like it would be the easiest way to take away the pain. As was added, get some help and then talk to that person honestly about how you are feeling, suicide and all. I understand the feeling, I fight with it often. If you have to call a help line, there are many great ones out there and sometimes just talking to someone can help. I can't promise things will get better or easier, but if you take the action, you just might get to a point where it is. Also I just wanted to comment on the "More Advice" part. I think he's trying to rationalize why she left is all. I don't think he's looking for credit. Trying to rationalize why someone would leave you all of a sudden when you feel like you were a good person in the relationship and to your spouse comes up with all sorts of different thoughts. Most often lead to "why?" still without any conclusions. I wish your reader the best and I hope he can see his value in his life.

    Richie March 10, 2015Reply

    This is exactly where I am right now. I just moved out of my house yesterday. It's the small things I miss, my daughter running into the living room with her barbies saying "lets play!'. The good thing is I went midnight shift a year and a half ago so my daughter wouldn't have to go to after school so I still pick her up from school everyday and I have her until about 6. I just wish she would love on me like she loves on her mom. And I wish her mom would love me like she used to. yeah we clashed, opposite personalities even the therapist we went to last year was surprised we lasted 15 years together. Just wanted to say thanks for this post. Lets me know I'm not alone in the heart ripping pain.

      Jackie Pilossoph March 10, 2015Reply

      You sound like an amazing dad. Best wishes to you.

    Mike May 01, 2015Reply

    Wow, yeah, I feel for him too as I am at the very beginning of going through something similar. Wife told me it's over, and doesn't love me anymore. This roller coaster of a marriage has been going on for 9 years, and I think she is finally done. It's heartbreaking, and I feel like I am falling apart, and lost my best friend. She's been cold to me now, and basically shut off all emotions and has a wall up. It's hard. Nothing in life can prepare you for this.

      JOEJoe October 26, 2017Reply

      Ive been going through this for about 2 months now. My wife also won't agree to therapy/counseling. Married for 8 years and had an OK relationship. No major issues. Three kids has taxed us both but I thought we could at least try to work it out but she wants nothing to do with me. It is hard but sometimes we have to let go. If your significant other doesn't want to try there is nothing in the world you can do to make it work on your own. Time to let go and move on to a new adventure. Time will ease the stress. I am already feeling more at ease and its only been 2 months. We are still in the same house right now and I get to see my kids everyday so I am not sure how it will change when we are living apart and set up custody arrangements. Remember that no one is perfect, including your ex. I find it helpful to think about how I will be better off. I was a very happy single guy before and I am confident I can get there again. and so can everyone else going through this. we just need to give ourselves time. Hang in ther!!!

    Rick October 15, 2015Reply

    I struggle with these same hurdles including the lonliness, etc. One thing that did help me was joining a DivorceCare group in my area. It helped deal and heal some. There may be one in your area. God bless!

    Chris November 12, 2015Reply

    Going through this now as well. Been married 5 years, together 8, and have 3 beautiful kids together. In fact 1 week back in July, I found out: -Our house was up for foreclosure. -My wife had been having an emotional affair for 6 months and had lied and flown to meet the guy recently. She wanted a divorce and plans to date this guy afterwards. (He also has a wife and new born baby he wants to leave) -I then was so distracted by the pain, I ended up totalling our van. -And then finally lost my job due to poor productivity (a bit distracted due to other things going on) So there I was, living with my parents again, with no car, completely destroyed life, spending small amounts of time with my kids, and looking for work. Needless to say I too thought about suicide, and was very worried about it. After getting some help, i found out that thinking about suicide isn't uncommon, especially after a trauma like this. That it's not something to worry about unless those thoughts are more frequent or are more seriously considered. That said I went a little crazy for a few months as I tried to piece it all together. It took some time to figure out, but this was the conclusion I have drawn about my situation, and likely yours as well. 1. She is not being reasonable or realistic. While she is being rational and logical, her critical thinking is clouded and shaded by the emotions she has allowed to rule her choices. 2. She did not make this decision lightly or out of the blue. She likely madend the choice at least a year or more before she told you. 3. The choice is stupid, selfish, and unfair. But people are stupid, only see what want to, and often times only think about themselves. People are flawed. 4. Because of the fact that people are flawed, the choice can not be judged as right or wrong. I say that in because it is likely that some of her reasons are valid. Nobody is perfect. 5. You cannot convince her by begging, reasoning, or bargaining. She has made up her mind, and has closed herself off from you so that you can't change her mind, make her feel guilty (she does feel guilty), or "trap" her. 6. Her defenses are up, she has hardened her heart, and steeled her resolve in order to get what she thinks she needs to survive. Likely she is doing this to not feel hurt anymore, or to get the life she is believes she should be living. 7. Don't believe much of what she says. There are a lot of different explanations for this. But the easiest reason to understand is that there are so many conflicting emotions, thoughts, and survival instincts driving what she says, thinks, feels, and does right now that she has less self control than she appears. There are more conclusions, truths, and possible reasons that can be made, but in the end they aren't as important as your own reality. A key piece of advice that I learned in my time of insanity is, that you have to find your own truth. She can say whatever she wants about herself, you, and your marraige, but the only way you are going to find any sort of answer or peace about what is happening, is to decide on the reality that you yourself believe to be the truth. Don't accept others perspectives. I plan on writing a lot more what I've learned, but for now, stay strong, and know that while these past 4 months have been he'll for me (the past year has been an overall nightmare), in just 4 months I am already starting to get back on my feet with a minimum wage easy job, starting to feel like a whole person again, and have found some measure of peace with the bs that is going on in my life! You can make it! You are stronger than you know! Your life is going to get better! Your kids need to see how their dad handles himself when life kicks the crap out of him, and will see that their dad is the most badass, wise, and caring person, and will want to model themselves after you. Though you don't feel like it's possible, your kids will see your stability, strength, confidence and love, and know that you are the parent that they should learn from. The kids need you, don't give up! I'll post more later, hang in there guys!

    Michael Levine May 23, 2017Reply

    my wife has done exactly as you mentioned and the hurt and pain are unbearable. I was a great husband but not perfect and she's leaving in 10 days. Says I was neglectful and didn't pay attention to her needs on and off over the 20 years we've been in love. She is my one true love. I will go on but without my wife which I can't comprehend. She stole my heart

    paul June 02, 2017Reply

    help- my wife wants a divorce after 18 years and two kids- both with high special needs. She has fallen for my best friend and is intimate with him. I maintain contact because financially we can't afford an apartment so it means selling house but our kids situation makes it hard. i still love her and see her all the time. it is killing me

    Ian September 11, 2017Reply

    Hi all, my story is similar but different in parts and wondered what everyone thought. We have been married for 8 years and have been together for 10 and have 3 children. We were together before that for 1-2 years. I am extremely in love with my wife who is my soul mate and best friend. I still wear my ring as I meant my marriage vows. I took on my now step-daughter (although she is my ‘daughter’ and always has been) 10 years ago whom I love with all my heart. She and my other daughter both have autism and some other issues so the years have been tough and we have fought together but got through it even when I have had the ‘you’re not my real dad’ stuff. On our anniversary this year my wife told it was over and wanted a trial separation period for 6 months. Now I knew something was wrong as there had been tension in the air. Being a bloke I suppose I thought it would blow over. I know she had tried to talk to me a couple of times and suggested RELATE but I thought we could just sort itself out and she never really tried again (if she did I don’t recall so maybe the timing was not right). I agreed to the separation as my wife was obviously stressed and losing weight/not eating and so I primarily did it for her health. 1 month into the separation I asked her to come over and explain it all and she said it was because I was always in bed, concentrating on walking the dog too much and not spending enough time with the family. She then said it was over. Needless to say I was more than broken hearted and also had suicidal thoughts but thinking of my kids kept me going. The next month she said the dog was going to be re-homed. The next month she wanted to remortgage without me ( we did have to remortgage anyway but she went ahead without me in her name only) so in order that they stay in the house (which I want for the sanity of my children) I had to come off the deeds. I now live in a 1 bed flat with my kids elsewhere and no house and a wife who took off her rings ages ago. I am devastated, broken hearted doesn’t even touch the surface. Luckily I have done the drinking to excess thing but now am so low. It feels like she has ripped my world apart and left me to rot in the gutter, stabbed me in the heart and every week does it again just as it tries to heal. Each day is a big hurdle just to get through it. There are good days and bad days. I can’t even listen to music anymore as every song is about love or breakups and I think about her. Now I am no saint and I could be seen as a lazy husband/dad these last few years. She does have a point. Some of it though stems from my anti-social shift work. I do very random shifts whereby I can start the week at 4am and finish the week at 4am, so a 24hr turnaround in a week. It’s not healthy and makes me very tired. After my shifts I want an hour or so to wind down and sometimes have a couple of beers also. I also have a pineal gland cyst and although the NHS does not really recognise it as being symptomatic it does cause fatigue, insomnia, nausea and daily headaches. I do take meds for it now but have recently changed. I still get all the above and have to take regular pain killers. It is not nice to live with. They also can’t say how long I have had it. I showed my wife the thread (via email) and got the following response: You think this is you? Think again and be honest. I'm not not with you because I want excitement, I'm not with you because you promised me that when we thought about having J you would do more, you would step up, you would pull your weight day and night and be a great dad and a helpful husband. Did you do that? Can you honestly say you were the dedicated family man this man says he was? You were there for me, there for your kids, happy about our live, positive about our future? No. You complained constantly about everything we had, you didn't get out of bed to help me day and night, having beer and watching zombies was more important to you than spending the next day with us. On your days off during the week did you get up earlier so I didn't have to wake at 5:30? Did you take the kids to nursery to give me a bit of a break? No. Sometimes being treated properly isn't as simple as does he hit you? Does he get drunk? It's about does he give you a break and allow you some time to be you? Does he spend the day with his family? Does he tell you how wonderful his life is and appreciate what he has? I asked you to go to counselling, you didn't. I asked you to talk to the doctor, you wouldn't. I asked you to change, you said you couldn't. Don't make me out to be the person who just wants a bit of excitement, if you think that's why we are here then you haven't learnt anything from any of this and that makes me very sad. I have not replied to this. Whilst she does make some valid pints it is a bit harsh. Firstly, even if I did a late and came home at 2am or later I would still be up at 7 to get the kids ready. On my days off no I did not get up earlier and take the kids to nursery as she worked basically round the corner and I was so dam tired I slept through most of it.. I did try to get up earlier at weekends too but admittedly not often enough. She has painted a very negative picture which is not all fair. As I said before I did recall the relate bit but not the doctor as she only asked me to go to the Dr on the day she told me to leave. I have gone the Dr since and he won’t give me anything for depression as he does not think I have it. I am temporarily changing my job to day shifts only to see if it gives me some more energy and reduces my tiredness. Even living in the flat on my own I am getting really tired from the shifts. I am reading numerous things about becoming a better dad/husband and being more positive. I am trying to turn my life around focusing on me and my children. I think I am making all the right changes and am only sorry it had to come to this to make it happen. Now to me a marriage is about working through things together, if I didn’t listen at first then why did she not try again in a better environment, sit me down properly rather than a quick conversation? Lay it down that I change or I am out? Force me to the doctors, go ahead and book a counselling appointment for me – push me into it? Surely a marriage is about working together to solve things. I’m not saying it’s all my shift work or medical issues but that plays some part. If I knew how bad it was why did she not tell me in a different way to make me understand? If she was having issues I would be there to support her and still will as she is the love of my life. Now I do think this is having an impact on my children. They have all said recently how they want me to be there with them all the time, living at home but my wife is adamant that they are happier without me. And to top all of this off she is now seeing another man! She doesn’t know I know (unless she reads this) but she forgets that children talk and I have known her for over 10 years so all the pieces of the puzzle have fitted together esp. when work colleagues recently saw them at a footy match. She hates football! This was another blow and just as I thought I was starting to get things together for me to be a better person and dad, get some focus back, climbing up the ladder of hope and positivity, my wife comes along and pushes me back to the bottom and then smears the rungs with Vaseline…. I am willing and very wanting to fight for my marriage and keep trying to book RELATE but she has told me in no uncertain terms that she is happy to go only to explain why I am in this situation. She clearly doesn’t want to save our marriage. Can 10 years be dismissed so quickly? How can she fall out of love and move on so quickly with another? How can she expect me to be away from my kids all this time? I still see them once a week and every other weekend and love it bits every second I spend with them. It hurts when I leave and often cry the journey back to the flat. I am missing out on their daily lives, starting school, what they talk about, what they are doing… it’s not the same asking them on the phone what they have been up to, I want to be there listening, hugging and squeezing them tight and putting them to bed. To top it all off as if the other fella wasn’t bad enough, everything in the house that has a link to me is being removed, I am being erased from history! We do still text but I have made mainly about the children and I try really hard to go the extra mile in everything I do for them but this is difficult when I don’t see them one day to the next. When I do all I get is criticism and negativity from her. I HATE this… I love her so much, she is my rock, she and our children are my world and without them I am lost. I dreamed of our future together, growing old, seeing the grandchildren, travelling… At the mo I can’t bring myself to look at her as I feel so hurt and just can’t understand why she won’t fight for this…

    Ian September 11, 2017Reply

    Maybe she is right and I deserve all of this ...

      HVR October 11, 2017Reply

      Man Ian all I can say is I feel your and you are not alone (not that it means anything). Together for 16 years (since high school) married for almost 10. My first and only love. Some ways my story is better in that our 8 year old son is going to stay with me except for 2 weekends a month. And thank God we got a pre-nup and the house and furniture is mine. In other ways it is worse, she leaving me and our son for a useless trailer park trash of a man she met less than 2 months ago. I have battle for her to even get her to stay one night in or spend 5 min with him and she was a stay at home mom. All her choice, our fights were usually why she couldn't get a work so that I could stop working 16 hours a day and 2 jobs. She still stay in my home because the 2 of them can not even get it together to rent a bachelors flat in this time she has smeared the affair in my face and bragged how happy she is going to be with the new man. The guy has a shitty job, bad credit record, haven't bothered to divorce his first wife and has a history of going for married women and then dumping them. But that is her Romeo.... And now she even treating our son with absolute disregard, telling him she is moving in with a new love before we broke the news that she leaving and we are busy with a divorce. And after all that I still can not stop loving her; believe me I tried because it hurts more than when I lost my father to cancer 7 years ago. All I can say for both our parts, we must probably try to see the small things we did wrong (I've seen a few but nothing that could not be fixed or deserve the treatment I'm getting now). And hope that time heals.

      Joe October 26, 2017Reply

      Hey man! You need to seek therapy. That is not healthy. Just because your wife left you doesn't mean its all your fault. None of us are perfect but don't put everything on yourself. Life isn't over. Find things that make you happy and pursue them. Let go of your ex

    Lulu October 23, 2017Reply

    Thank you for this post which is so moving. I've been dating a guy for almost a year who was in that situation. He finally had to move on when his wife had someone new in her life. They separated almost three years ago and their divorce was finalized earlier this year. I didn't meet him until all this was done. Now that she sees him getting on with his life seriously, she has broken up with her man and approached him to get back together. They have four kids. He feels confused. I feel scared...

      Jackie Pilossoph October 25, 2017Reply

      I actually addressed your comment in my podcast (Divorce and nutrition: What's The Connection?) which i will post on youtube (channel is: Divorced Girl Smiling) hopefully tonight. Hang in there and just be there for your boyfriend. It will work out, I know it!!

      Joe October 26, 2017Reply

      Lulu. I hate to break it to you but if there are kids involved you should be prepared for the worse. I have been separated from my wife for only 2 months but I know that if she would want to give it a chance I would do it in a heartbeat for the sake of my kids and for my marriage, whether it was over or not. not sure if he is the same way but he obviously married that person for a reason. You should talk to him in a realistic way to see what he feels. Don't ask question only to appease your worries.

    Mike Glas January 04, 2018Reply

    I worked at AW North Carolina and got fired because my boss pulled a shady move to get me fired, I worked there for 8 years and it was always a 6 days a week 12 hours a day and sometimes 7 days. When I left there I ended up at the sister plant where I got hurt at andbthey refused to pay workers comp so I was forced to get a lawyer which I finally received the settlement after a 10 month fight. During this time our marriage took a hit because I waz out of work I recently found a job thru PSMI and lobed the job, I felt us getting closer, well 2 days before Christmas I got let go and this paralyzed me, my son jumped on me 2 days before new years and beat me like i was a bum, my son is 18 and going in the coast guard n a minth, well today my wife informed me thst she is leaving. My world is crushed and Im broken. Not sure whdre to go from here and plz dont anyone say god I have lost all hope there

    Chris February 17, 2018Reply

    I did the worst thing s husband can ever do to his loving wife and mother of his kids. I ignored and neglected her for years. Now she has left me for another man and no matter what I say I know she will never return to me. She is the love of my life and truly don't know what I'll do without her. She's not only leaving me and my kids she's abandoning us to move back to her country to be with this new man. I have thought about suicide many many times but thinking about how it'll hurt my kids is my saving grace. I'm not the greatest looking man out there and I know I will never meet another women to love. My only advice to anyone reading this that May have a loving wife saying she's going to leave you is smarten up and pay attention to her like she deserves to be paid attention to every minute of everyday!!

    Matt April 06, 2018Reply

    I’ve lost my best friend, lover, wife. It’s crazy to think and realize how this is true. I’ve neglected her emotional needs for years and then flipped and started to beg and push for her to love me now. She told me the night of her 30th birthday that she filed for divorce. It’s heartbreaking. Our daughter just finished chemo treatment for childhood ALL. I kept her living with my family while we built a new home. I’ve done everything possible wrong that you could do to your partner. She is so burdened by all of this, and realizes she has nothing but bad memories of us. How do we as men destroy women like this without realizing it? She has taught me so much in my life, that I know she has forever made me a better person. But for us, it’s to late. She sees nothing but pain when she sees me. Pain for our history and pain that I desire her love, affection, and attention. Please guys if your out there and not this far, take a moment to reflect on how you have treated your companion. It weird how all I can do now is continue to love her. We have been married for 6 years and together for 9. The fact is, she deserves better than what I have given her - money, Securty, faithfulness, are all nothing if she has never felt loved. I’m lost just as all of you that have posted. But I found my heart in all of this. And I can thank her for that. It’s true that we don’t realize what we lost until it is gone. I guess that is another part of human nature. I wish I had a time machine. I would go back to any possible day good or bad. I would look deep into her eyes, and gently touch her hair and tell her how much she means to me. Tell her that I understand her sadness and will never take her for granted again. Ask her if she can tell me more of what she needs, and follow through on what that is. The crazy thing is, I know she would respect that then, but now she can’t see past the pain. I could of had the happiest life in the world if I would opened my eyes and ears. Ambition of being financially successful ruled my life, when real success is measured by love given and received.

    Matt September 20, 2018Reply

    Matt the fact is men dont understand what marriage is and dont understand how to love a woman, the bible says love your wofe as jesus loved the church that means listening to her needs and understanding what a woman is and its possible to get them back but it takes time and you have too soften there heart again if its not to far gone, but still when its at this point show confidence that yyour complete with or withoit her dont think about the kids pr the life you built together that doesnt make you, you make you i know it sounds hard fellas but never loose site of who you are and were you came from and be spiritual on this one without god you just going to be spinning your wheels cause the enemy has it locked and chained

    Kim January 06, 2019Reply

    Gentlemen, All I can say is "WOW", I thought I was alone all this time. My wife and I have been together for 22 years married for 18 years. I thought we were good, she was making me lunches every day cause I was going to school and working. She would put "I Love you" notes in my lunch bag and call me and tell me she misses me. We were fine , so I thought. Two days before Christmas she said she was not happy and she wanted out. We have not gotten a Divorce, or legal seperation, yet. I am blown away right now, I two have lost my best friend, soul mate and lover. We would go out and have the best times dancing and people watch all day long. I used to text my wife and tell her I love, miss, and appreciated her and everything she does, I guess that wasn't enough. I am sorry confused on what just happened and WHY. Like you all said, she does not want to work on it or stay, the more I beg the worse I make it. She said she loves me but she is not happy. I don't know if she is unhappy with me or our situation. My wife is the type of person that needs change but I didn't think our marriage was what she needed change in, we too talked about growing old together and playing with our grandkids, where did it all go wrong and take a twist, how come she didn't talk to me about her needed and wants before it came to this. She says if she has to tell me she doesnt want it, "WHAT"???? Isn't that what you do when your married and in love? I don't want to think my wife has found another man, I asked her to be honest and tell me if that why, she said no, bit would she tell me the truth? I want to think she has just become confused on her life, she is 43 years old and wants to have change in her life, that's with jobs as well. She has been at her job for 15 years, and its a vert good job but she wants something different. I don't know, I am crushed and hurt like nothing before, this hurts bad. Any, for all of you that have lost your wives my heart goes out to you and keep your heads up you were good before you met them we will be good again. God bless!!!!

    forest February 10, 2019Reply

    Chris from 2015...WOW! Would love to hear how you've rebounded! Your story resonated with me, as did many others. I was going through an emotional struggle with my aging father, lost my job and then wife springs the, "I'm done!" on me. She's expressed her desires and I did my best to be responsive...and she noticed the genuine efforts to satisfy her emotional needs; however, as she said, there was "something missing" in our marriage! Over a year ago she came across Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), purchased two books and that was it. I expressed an eagerness to engage in whatever therapies together she would like but sadly, that never materialized. I question if I should've read the books and committed us both to counseling. Then I remember I printed out copies of a Couples Emotional Checklist, gave to my wife requesting that she complete so we can discuss. I followed up twice, to no avail. But still I struggle with the burning questions, "could I have done more?!?!?" I guess, whatever I conclude, it's a moot point. Though I pray for reconciliation, she's move out and presumably moved on. My wife's sister has encouraged me to be patient and pray unto the Lord which I will do. If there's anyone who can soften her heart and restore our marriage, it's Him! I'm glad to have found this blog and know that among men, "iron sharpens iron" so let us all be and stay encouraged!

    Rob March 04, 2019Reply

    Similar story here. Never posted on a blog in my lIfe, but my separation has left a hole and I just can’t fill. It’s been 6 months. I have this woman everything she wanted, a house, took on her son as my own, we had a daughter, holidays etc etc. I thought everything was fine. She said “I love you” on Friday and on Saturday when I got back from work, said she was moving out to her sisters. Last month I watched her move out with my daughter and step son. The question of why just replays over and over and over. The only explanation I could ever get was “ I got bored and fell out of love “ it’s so gobsmacking and non sensical to me. She was also unwilling to talk unwilling to counsel, nothing. As a I read these comments I see similar circumstances. Fellas what are we missing ? How can these woman just switch off ? I’ve been in big break ups before and I always bounce back, but this is my family and I just can’t shake it. Maybe it’s been too soon and time will heal all. I could go on and on but the main part I can’t let go of is the not understanding. Keep your head up fellas and like David Goggins says “ stay hard “ we will all bounce back, unfortunately it just takes time.

    Jason March 12, 2019Reply

    Okay. All these stories have me so intrigued. I am going thru pretty much identical situation. I am beyond heartbroken. Honestly, I don’t see how the human soul can endure the amount of anguish that am reading about. Those who have never been thru it, really wouldn’t understand. Yes people care and most of the time the advice i have been given from family and friends is good. However, the pain part is what’s difficult for people to understand. It hurts. It hurts really bad and I now know beyond a shadow of doubt, it’s the most emotionally and physically painful experience to humans . That’s just how I feel about it. I know I couldn’t possibly feel worse . It’s impossible. So with that said, yes life will go on and I have to wake up every day knowing that. I was married 8 years and my wife has been having a affair and leaving me for a another man. He was a friend. I didn’t know him very long and neither has my wife. In fact we were introduced to him at the same time. It’s getting late as I type and the bourbon is starting to kick in.. eyes getting heavy. I hardly drank at all in the past. Maybe 1 drink every few weeks. I didn’t care for it much anymore. I had done the bar scene back in my 20’s and basically lost the desire to drink. No explanation, but that I didn’t like the hangover the older I got. i am 44 now. Anyways, i do have 2 bourbon shots every night for the past week to help me sleep. Nothing too excessive , because I have to get up work the next day. That’s a challenge. The balancing act of keeping a job afloat, a emotional roller coaster that the devil himself would be afraid to ride and many others that I am too tired to remember right now. It’s a daunting task. I am doing it , but wow is it hard. Sorry, i am just being honest. This long story short 1. She said I am not happy and we r not compatible anymore 2. I have fallen in love with him and I am now happy. (She/we have known him less than 6 months.) 3) This guy bought me gifts and basically bought my trust to move in on my wife. ( at the same time wrecked and flipped my life and our entire family life upside down) 4) i am not changing my mind 5) i am so sorry I hurt you 6) I still love you, but not in love with you 7) i hope you will find someone more compatible for you. 8) you ignored me for too long and I tried crying out for you (* I think this is the most common complaint I have been reading in these stories) I treated her very good. I was never abusing and really thought I gave her everything, but obviously I didn’t. I am trying to rationalize everything, just like all these stories. The thoughts going thru my head of what I could have done differently. I then began to think of all the hundreds of good things i did. You name it and I probably did it. All except pay more attention, but i did give her attention. A lot, but not enough in her eyes Someone is missing something in the social phyc books. I know it happens every day. People cheat, people get unhappy. Feelings change. I don’t know who to trust anymore, except my my family I guess u just have to go into a marriage with the gambling man mindset. It may never workout, u may get cheated. I don’t know. I am rambling now Or is it that nice guys finish last. I think that is true. That’s a whole different topic and debatable discussion Keep positive and pray

    glenn May 01, 2019Reply

    Actually I disagree with Jackie on this point. Especially if the leaving partner expresses no interest in working to save the marriage. When your partner leaves you because of "lack of feelings" or "saying they changed" and you were sticking with your end of the marriage this is equal to if not worse than cheating by your partner. The difference is that you had opportunities behind your partners back to get someone with better feelings for you (short or long term) or another person that is better aligned with your new and changed interests...but didn't. You stuck with the vows. She is making up a scapegoat excuse for her shortcomings and she took the easiest path and bailed out to get what she wanted,, while you didn't. Period. You are not perfect for sure and have your share of the blame in a failed partnership, but you get credit for doing what you are supposed to do in a marriage and being of strong character. She does not. >>>"More advice: This might sound mean, but it’s honest. You (and no other man or woman) deserves credit for not being a drunk or hitting anyone. That is standard. There are no awards for being a normal person and acting as you are expected to act in society. Sorry. I heard a guy say recently, “I was a good husband. I never cheated on my wife.” My reaction was, “Are you asking for credit for that?

    Sean May 23, 2019Reply

    I guess it’s somewhat comforting to see that I am not the only one experiencing this. Been married only 4 1/2 months but together for 6 years. We got married on New Years this year for insurance/tax purposes which wasn’t a big deal because our actual wedding was on June 1st (in 9 days from writing this). A few weeks ago I had my bachelor party where we spent some time at a cabin that my close friends own, drinking beer, telling jokes, pretty standard. I was so excited to celebrate the fact that I was going to marry my soulmate in front of all our friend and family. I don’t have a ton of family, my brother and sister live out of state and my mom died 10 yrs ago, best friend died last a year and a half ago, but have a few other really close friends, all of which have families or in relationships. I came home from the party to the “we have to talk.” She told me she wanted to call off the wedding and that she was moving out. At first she said she just didn’t feel a deep enough emotional connection and that we weren’t compatible and that I just didn’t do the little things. She acknowledged that I did everything else amazingly that I was a rock for her, an amazing support system. We have gone a few years of rough patches here and there, but nothing out of the ordinary for young couples. I carried most of the weight financially as she tried a few jobs that didn’t work out but supported her the whole way through because I love so much and simply wanted her to have an opportunity to figure out what she wanted to do. She recently went through what seemed like a year of applying to jobs but getting rejection letter after rejection letter and I helped support her the whole way through, trying to boost her confidence to make sure she didn’t give in. Finally she got a break through and worked really hard and got an awesome job she loves. Only to basically toss me aside once she got it. We talked all the time about how excited we were that when she got a new job we could really improve our ability to start trying to have kids. Find a home to buy... started researching daycare centers, discussing baby names, she would always tell me how much she wanted to be a mother. This was all discussed even up to just a few weeks ago. Come to find out she pretty much had been lying to herself and in turn was lying to me about what she truly wanted. She has since told me that she has never really loved herself and that she needs to figure out how to do that before she can truly love someone else. She realized that everything she has been talking about, this future together that we are/were planning and so openly discussed was not actually what she wants and so now we are getting a divorce so she can focus on herself. She moved out and now I am just sitting here in this apartment with all of our stuff in it, including the wedding gifts that everyone had already sent us. I am feel absolutely just shattered to pieces and completely blindsided by all of this, even her parents were blindsided, doesn’t seem like anyone understands this or saw it coming. She held it pretty close inside and it all cane bubbling to the surface. We hard our arguments from time to time and maybe 4 times where we even raised voices, but nothing that would cause someone to just totally flip flop like that. That’s what leads me to believe it was more about her like she said. Worst or best part, depends on how you look at it, everyone has been reaching out telling just how sorry they are how devastating this must be for me. Devastating is an understatement, this has totally turned my life upside down. Hard to see a path forward and how I can come out of this. Hopefully I can see it soon and get out from under all of this pain and anguish of being abandoned by the love of my life. I guess I should be fortunate that we didn’t have kids at this point so that the spilt wouldn’t have been so difficult, but who knows maybe we would still be together if we did. Maybe I will never find out. I guess I can hope and pray that she figures it out soon, but try my best to move on good chance she doesn’t. Lose my mom - check Best-friend - check Love of my life - check I guess you can say things are going pretty well for me

    Blank June 03, 2019Reply

    These websites are helping me stay sane during all this. Reading and trying to understand for 2 months what went wrong. My wife(25) myself(22) started out at with me at 14 and her 17. Had been best friends since grade school. I was 14 when my dad passed away and all i had was a drug addict for a mother. she came and rescued me. We started hanging out again and she kept me sane. Few months later i told her i wanted more than frieds and she agreed. She was 2 grades ahead of me but we went through all of highschool together, first jobs, moved in together when she was 21 and i was 18. Got married when i was 19 her 22 We got our own home, remodeled it together. Had a baby girl 2 years ago now. Sold our home and started another bigger remodel for our future kids and bigger family. Its almost complete. I know being together so young can come back to bite you. I guess thats where im going now. Shes been saying she doesnt feel in love, feels numb to everyone and all emotions, not happy. She says she needs to go out on her own to figure out who she is and find herself and love herself again. She says im a great man, father but that this isnt about me. She says she knows its a gamble and realises that if she doesnt figure things out soon enough i may have moved on if she changes her mind. Im not blind though. I have my own faults. Ive neglected to live in the now and have always looked to far into the future putting all my focus into making money and building a stable home and environment for my daughter and future kids. I havent taken her on dates. Had zero fun together the last 3 or so years. I thought we were suffering together through our young years and trying to build a future together. They say hind site is 2020 and i see that now. I didnt fulfill her needs like i should have. Its cost me now and shes going to look for joy on her own. Its the perfect storm as well. Going into our 8th year together i assume a little of the 7 year itch combined with only being with one another and her having the wonder of what else is out there. Ive done all the expected like stated above about being faithful and not being a dick. I cant wrap my head around why. A loyal, selfless, honorable man gets left in the dust for a gamble. Its breaks me thinking what i will tell my daughter one day as to why mommy and daddy arent together. She says maybe once she figures things out that one day we may be brought back together but for now all i can do is move on. Im left with an empty home 4 days a week. Have my daughter fri sat sun. All the reminders of the good times. I work my 40 hours a week at a good paying factory. I go to the gym 3 days a week. Plan to start a boxing gym the 4 evenings i dont have anything to do now. Picked up a guitar and plan to learn. Still have some finishing to do on the house. I feel like the only sanity is staying busy. I just cant wrap my head around how ballsy it is to gamble all we have for the maybe figuring things out. The maybe shell find some sort of happiness alone. All ive been is supportive. Always encouraged her to go out with friends. Find hobbies. She just doesnt seem to have the want to. Now all of a sudden she wants to go find what she loves to do and make herself happy. I wasnt controlling. Was at her beck and call everyday after work. I can say i put a lot of responsibility on her by not takin the initiative to do things around the house or otherwise withouth asking her. It all just blows my mind. I hurt for myself and my baby girl. I dont understand. She says she feels toxic to me and that i deserve to let her go and move on to something or someone better but i stand my ground on my vows and being here for her through the good and bad. Ive told her that these dark times are what make the marriage stronger but not if she lets it tear us apart. Like i said i think being together so long and young has been a bad thing in the end. She still has the wonder and we both had no experience in serious relationships and no one to look up to since both our parents marriages and lives were disasters. Its came back to bite us i guess. I pray she comes back before i go cold on her. I guess if not atleast im still young and have that going for me. I know a lot of people will say way to young but we both grew up fast. Hard lives matured us very quickly in the sense of getting out and learning how to be adults. Unfortunately that doesnt teach you how to nuture a marriage. If nothing else i will know in the future i guess. Ive found a few podcast that have given me insight on being a man and owning your life. Order of man and art of charm are good. I plan on reading "no more mr nice guy" as ive heard good things about it and it seems to fit the type of person i am. I want to grow from our mistakes but the difference in me and her is that i want to grow together and she wants to grow alone. I wouldnt wish the pain of a walk away wife on anyone. Its by far the worst pain ive ever felt. Any opinions or eye openers would be appreciated.

    lenny August 14, 2019Reply

    I gave my wife 2 chances 3 times she left me to live in a shack with a drunk druggie,her loss I did love her but now i could give 2 Shits we were married for 15 years now I kep the House the dogs the cars, she even left her clothes which I will donate as I am not sending them to her, if she wants them i told her send prepaid boxes for them, I also met a wonderful woman 2 days after she left the third time, sex is better than ever, and she cooks so much better. So its not all bad, You fall off a horse get right back on, or when one door closes anether opens.

    J November 06, 2019Reply

    From the advice you can tell it’s a woman’s view, and she has no idea what this guy is going through. The legal system will make him broke and his wife will have huge increase of income from the child support and alimony, if any. In Maryland 50/50 custody does not exist. It’s joint custody. And even if there was 50/50, all the women have to do is go seek child support. The guy stating there was no abuse is point out that there was nothing really that went wrong in the relationship. She put a whole new spin on it. Like Chris rock comedy of “ I take care of my kids”. 8/10 divorce are initiated by women. Usually they make less than the man, work less stressful jobs, but yet they are dissatisfied in life. Women make decisions off of emotions. The blogger already knows the mom will get the kids but talks about 50/50 custody. The best saying in our legal system regarding father/child relationship is, although they may carry your last name and blood line, legally they are/were never your children. They legally belong to the mother. Some of the most important thing we must teach young men are: NEVER GET MARRIED. IF YOU DO GET MARRIED, HAVE A PRENUP AND PROTECT YOURSELF AND POSSIBLE CHILDREN YOU MIGHT HAVE. IF SHE EINT SIGN IT,THEN WALK AWAY, BC WHEN SHE WONT SIGN IT, SHE HAS ALREADY WALKED AWAY, AND FROM GROUND ZERO YOU ARE NOW HER “BITCH”. Let’s sign a prenup. No. Ok cool I was just asking.... get it. Man the F up. If I get a divorced, family is over. If I cannot get full custody, I m done with the kids.

    Punishment December 02, 2019Reply

    Absolutely unacceptable! She should be held responsible for this mans pain and suffering. I believe people should be punished in the same manor when a spouse is charged in a domestic abuse crime. What he is going through at this moment is a lot worse then any beating physically she could have dealt out. Guys listen up things are different now 2019! You could not please them decades ago and you certainly are not going to now. They are more likely to cheat, initiate divorce, and are far more promiscuous then you could ever imagine, don’t believe me? Look it up. For GOD SAKE do your research on this.

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