Still Talking To Your Ex? Ask Yourself Why

talking to your ex

Still talking to your ex? If you have children together, you probably are and you will probably be talking to him or her until the kids are adults (and even after that.) That’s a good thing! Talking to your ex about the kids is a must. No matter how angry you are at him or her, no matter how much resentment you hold, communication between the two of you will benefit your kids. So, I guess what I’m saying is, if you love your kids, talk to your ex.

Don’t try to do everything via email or texting, and then ignore him or her at baseball games and other kid events. That only hurts the kids. I do understand that at the beginning of a divorce, temporary non-communication might be understandable. But after the divorce, you have to try to let go of the anger–for the benefit of your children and just talk to your ex.

Now, what if you don’t have kids together. Are you still talking to your ex? Here is an email I received from a reader:

Do you think it’s a bad thing to be in contact with an ex when you are in a new relationship? I believed I had found the one I wanted to spend my life with but she broke up with me because she couldn’t handle the long distance relationship. She is now in another relationship and so am I. She is still in contact with me and I’m pretty sure that her partner isn’t aware of it. I feel we are still in love with each other but due to logistics she gave up on the relationship. I haven’t told my partner that I’m in contact with my ex. I was hurt badly from that relationship and deep down I find it hard to let go. I swore that I would never feel pain like that again.


I think the writing is on the wall here, that these two people are still in love with each other. They are both cheating in their current relationships—emotionally cheating. I’m not judging anyone, but clearly, neither is happy dating who they are dating or being apart from each other.


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I’m not sure what will happen to these two couples, but if I had to guess, I’d say neither will end up together, simply because if either was in a relationship with someone they felt was “the one,” they wouldn’t look back for a second.


So, these people have a couple of choices: they can go on living as they are—in their unfulfilling relationships, probably because they don’t want to be alone, or they can take action to give their old relationship another shot.


Long distance relationships aren’t easy and I’m not going to pretend I know what one is like. I have never been in one. But, if my current boyfriend had to move to Alaska tomorrow and we could only see each other once every two months, am I 100% sure I would stay in the relationship? Hands down without even blinking an eye. That says something, doesn’t it? These two people didn’t initially feel this way. That says something, too. However, maybe it took being apart to realize they wanted to be together. Love is so complicated, isn’t it?


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So, still talking to your ex? 


Here are a few possible reasons people remain in contact with an ex:


1. They secretly want to get back together.

Whether they admit that to themselves and/or to others doesn’t even matter. They are still in love.

2. They want to leave the door open in case they decide at some point that they want to get back together.

They keep in close contact, making sure their ex is still available. They want that option always on the table. I personally think that’s kind of selfish, but I’ve done it.


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3. They are lonely and only remember the good parts of the relationship.

When someone is single and wanting to be in a relationship, it’s easy to recall all the great times (especially at the beginning of the relationship they had with their ex) and talk themselves into the fact that they missed out on the one.

4. They aren’t happy in their current relationship.

They are fooling themselves and convincing themselves that this new person is the one because they want to be over their ex and they want to be in a relationship.

5. They truly do want to be friends with their ex with no hidden agenda.

I have always said that people should be able to be friends with their ex’s. I really believe that if you liked each other enough to be in a romantic relationship, you should still like each other enough to stay friends, even if it doesn’t work out. That said, I think in most cases, a lot of time has to go by before ex’s are able to talk and genuinely be friends, without either having ulterior motives.


I want to get back to this guy’s situation. He and his ex-girlfriend need to really be honest with themselves and decide if they want to give this thing another shot.


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They also need to ask themselves how they would feel if their current boyfriend/girlfriend was emotionally cheating. It really isn’t fair, and they should therefore make a move, either way.


Or, a third option. Maybe one or both of them need to be alone for a little while, heal from the past relationship and learn to live independently.


In closing, if you are still talking to your ex, be honest with yourself as to why you need that connection.


Do you want to get back together? If so, do it.

Are you just hanging onto the great memories of the past? If so, you can still do that without talking to your ex.

Or, do you genuinely want to be friends? That’s a question you can only answer honestly to yourself.

Like this article? Check out, “I Can’t Get Over My Ex Wife”


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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

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