Jackie, Have you had anyone tell you that they were able to fall back in love with their spouse? We are doing counseling but it isn’t easy. Not sure you can give me advice, but anything would help me now.
It’s very hard for me to answer your question personally, because I have no idea what happened to cause you to fall out of love in the first place. The question of whether or not the two of you can fall back in love depends on what the heck happened. Here are some possible scenarios that could lead to working it out versus splitting up.
- Did someone cheat? For me, that would make it very difficult to fall back in love. That said, depending on other circumstances, it is still possible to fall back in love after cheating, and I have heard of people doing it.
- Have you been married for several years and you just grew apart? That’s a scenario where I think there is hope of falling back in love. Counseling is great for this.
- Do either you or your spouse suffer from an addiction? Maybe one of you needs help. Falling back in love will never happen unless the person who needs it gets help in this scenario.
- Was there physical or emotional abuse? Not sure I could fall back in love under these conditions.
Therapy is great. I have respect for both of you for going. In therapy, people are able to be more open and honest, and a good therapist will teach you the basics of effective communication.
That said, there is only so much therapy can do. There are other things a couple must do if they want a chance in falling back in love.
- Date each other. Why is fun neglected so much in our lives? By the time we deal with work and kids and other responsibilities, we forget that we were put on this earth partially to enjoy ourselves! When did couples stop dating each other and place romance and having fun together last on thier list of priorities?
- Try to be the couple you were when you first met. Look at old pictures. Talk to each other about the past. Go down memory lane. Listen to old songs. If you’re trying to fall back in love, then take time to go back!
- Talk to each other with honesty. It might hurt the other person like hell, but you have to tell each other what bugs you, what you can’t live with, and what changes you’d like to see him or her make. AND, you have to be willing to be open-minded and not get upset when he or she tells YOU about YOU.
- Stay together for each other, not JUST for the kids. You’re not doing your kids any favors by staying in a loveless marriage where there is arguing, cheating, and other bad marriage behavior.
- Do nice, selfless things for each other. Thoughtfulness and kindness go a long way when it comes to being happy in a marriage. Offering to do the dishes, a foot rub, a nice card, or just a simple compliment like, “You look really pretty today” can lead to sex, which then leads to more niceness, which leads to more sex, etc.
I want to offer one more piece of advice. The couple has zero chance of falling back in love if one or both of them doesn’t want it. So, you both have to want to save it. Badly.
I can also tell you that if you are looking for someone perfect, he or she is not out there. All relationships are tough (unlike at the beginning of the relationship.) I get countless e-mails from men and women that start with, “I’m having an affair.” They say things like, “I never knew this kind of love existed.”
What I have to say without sounding like a jerk is, “That’s because your affair isn’t real. You are secretly meeting each other and engaging in the forbidden, which makes it sexy and fun. If you lived together and shared kids, it would be different. Not to say it wouldn’t work out, but it’s a completely different ball game.”
So, is it possible to fall back in love? With effort and the desire to do so, YES YES YES. I hope you fall back in love!