I wrote a blog on Divorced Girl Smiling called “Hey Guys, Want more Sex? Take the Divorced woman’s advice” and below is a response I received, written by a man who said lack of sex was a big part of his divorce.
My ex wife and I divorced primarily because of this reason. We essentially were incompatible. She was happy with once a month. I would have preferred more often. We argued a lot about it and in the end I left her. I have no regrets about it.
As a man, we grow tired of the “points system” that many women mentally run. You get points for holding hands or for taking out the trash, taking her for a meal, buying her a gift, etc etc as your post says. However it gets tiring to have the woman in charge of giving out the points and plus if you do something wrong or say something wrong – you lose all your points and you have to start over.
In the end, as a man, I got to feeling sad about why I should have to jump through hoops to have affection. I made relentless progress from trying and caring … Not trying and caring … Not trying and not caring … Sleeping in spare room…. Divorce.
I think many couples should be upfront about sex and how important it is. I think squabbles and breakups happen when two people just aren’t matched. My current girlfriend is wonderful and wants intimacy a lot more often and is more willing to initiate. Nothing is better to a guy where the woman actually initiates things and does things like she likes the idea. It’s my all about making the woman feel good so that she’ll do you the favor of making love. I think this post contains that hidden bias, probably as a result of the author’s own experiences, and frankly as a man it’s pretty upsetting to be on the other end of that!
The first thing I want to talk about is “the point system,” because I don’t think this man is alone in this philosophy. Yes, men get points for certain things. I can’t argue there. BUT, who says if you do something wrong you lose your points and have to start over?? That is very unfair and not true at all. I think there are certain men who have this self defeating attitude that if a woman gives him some constructive criticism, he takes the stance of “I just can’t make her happy, whatever I do it’s never enough.”
That is infuriating to women, because that isn’t the case at all. I think the problem is, the men forget the hugs and kisses (and sex) they got as a result of doing the nice thing earlier, and they only focus on the negative. So, when a woman expresses to a man that she wasn’t particularly pleased by something he did, does she need to add, “but you have so many great qualities and I loved how you called my mom two weeks ago on her birthday!” Would that help?
I can’t say if I think that is warranted because every relationship (and every woman) is different. Yes, there are women who are unpleasable (that isn’t a word but it should be) and unappreciative. They bug me.
I think it is very normal and in a man’s nature to want to feel appreciated and important and loved. Yes, loved. They are supposed to be strong and manly, but they want a hug. They want to feel secure too. And, of course, they want to be desired physically.
All I was saying in my article is that doing nice things for a woman isn’t about earning points. Doing nice things for us actually physically causes us to want to go to bed with you. Women who feel loved and cherished (and doing nice things for us makes us feel that way) want to return that love, both physically and emotionally.
Forget about points. If the man I’m with does something extremely thoughtful, it makes me crazy with desire! I’ll give you an example. One time, I had to have a tooth pulled and afterward, I was in extreme pain. My boyfriend came over to my house with a bag of groceries of soft foods, like bananas, sushi, etc. that I could eat. He then sat with me and my kids and looked at some photo albums with us. The whole gesture of his thoughtfulness and time made me melt, and it made me appreciate him at a deeper level, which then made me desire him even more. Love and desire really do go hand in hand for women.
I have never made love to a man “as a favor” as this man says. That’s terrible. I think like most women, I do it when I want to do it, and what facilitates my interest in sex is a man who is doing kind things (which at the same time is earning points.) And by no way does a woman want to have sex with a man who is mean to her, condescending, or if he fails to make her feel appreciated.
Lastly, I have to wonder how long this guy has been dating this woman who is apparently constantly initiating sex. I hate to break it to him, but everyone wants to have lots of sex at the beginning of a relationship. Trust me, there will come a time when sex co-exists with kind gestures and behaviors, or if he earns “points,” if you will.