Read this email I received from a guy seeking relationship advice. He wants to go home for the holidays, but his fiancé fears he will cheat. The issue is causing lots of problems in the relationship.
My fiancé has been extremely jealous of me and another woman. We live together with two kids, the older one being from her previous relationship, the younger one ours together. I left my past relationship when I moved away from home. Now, every time I want to go home there is a huge problem, whether she goes with me or not. So, I haven’t gone home to see my family in over two years. She has a problem with me wanting to go because my past girlfriend is there. She says I need to respect her but it’s pissing me off and I am about done with this whole mess. What would you do?
Wow. This really is a mess. I’m sorry you have to deal with it. I will try to give you my best advice, but keep in mind that I don’t know any further details, like:
- Have you given her a reason not to trust you? In other words, have you ever cheated?
- Have you been in contact with your old girlfriend, either secretly or openly?
Let’s assume the answers to these questions are no. Then how do we even know the old girlfriend still lives in your hometown? We don’t.
Here’s the thing. I am madly in love with my boyfriend, and I can tell you that I would NEVER EVER give him a hard time about going home for the holidays or visiting his family. EVER. Even if there was a woman there who was throwing herself at him every time he entered the state. Why wouldn’t I even be worried about it? Because we have immense TRUST in our relationship and I have faith in him keeping that trust and loyalty. That’s all I can do. That’s all anyone can do. You either trust or you don’t.
I think that your fiancé (assuming she has no reason to be insecure, based on the fact that there has never been cheating in your relationship) is being very very selfish, denying the person she is supposed to love most in this world the gift of seeing his family.
You need to sit down with her and talk about trust and loyalty. Because, you either make a conscious choice to have those things in your relationship and honor them, OR what you have isn’t real. Especially since she isn’t just your girlfriend, she is your fiancé! You are planning on making her your wife. So, before you do that, you better have this conversation.
I’m not taking about yelling and screaming and saying, “I haven’t been with her in 5 years! I’m not going to cheat on you!” Because that just doesn’t work. I was in a relationship several years ago where the guy said to me (about his old girlfriend) “She makes me nauseous. I would throw up if I ever touched her. She is disgusting to me.” I found out later that he was cheating with that woman. So, details and emphatic statements don’t work. What does is a calm, honest discussion that should really only have to be had once.
I feel sorry for your fiancé because (again, assuming you have given her no reason to feel insecure) because she is ruining a good thing. What she fails to realize is that if you went home for the holidays with her blessing, not only would you probably not cheat, but you would most likely miss her and come back more committed than ever.
Good luck and I hope you get to go home for the holidays and see your family! In other words, I hope you don’t decide not to go.