A comment from a reader: When a wife cheats or is having an affair, be it physical or emotional, the husband will know. I saw all the signs and was blind to them. I blocked all the signs from my mind, but what convinced me of her affair was not the evidence, but the feeling of my heart being scooped out of my chest. Cheaters can never really hide what they do.
When someone is having an affair, a few possible scenarios occur. These include:
- The spouse finds out and fights to make the relationship work. They end up getting back together or the person having an affair leaves.
- The spouse finds out and has no tolerance for cheating. The relationship ends.
- The spouse sort of has an idea, but turns a blind eye because they don’t want things to change. Life is comfortable so they just accept it.
- The spouse has no idea but when he or she finds out, they realize that in retrospect they knew, they just didn’t want to see it.
- The spouse is blindsided because deep down, he or she really didn’t care enough to pay attention.
- The spouse is blindsided because he or she is so innately naïve, they never dreamed cheating was a possibility.
Here’s the thing about having an affair. I agree with this reader that if a spouse is having an affair, consciously or subconsciously, the person knows. He or she might figure it out or have proof right away, but at some point, it hits them. Their gut instinct screams it out to them.
Several years ago, I was in a relationship and I had a feeling he was cheating. I ignored it. Years later, after we had broken up, I found out that my gut had been right. He was cheating. I wish I had never known because it didn’t matter anymore. Yet, there was something comforting about knowing I wasn’t crazy and paranoid all those years ago, imagining he was cheating if he really wasn’t. A double-edge sword or a silver lining either way?
The thing is, my reader states, “Cheaters can never really hide what they do.” I think he is right. A cheater might be able to hide it for a little while, but there is an intuition in a spouse that always finds out.
Remember the 2002 movie, Unfaithful with Richard Gere and Diane Lane? If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s a great movie with an impactful message. There is a scene when Richard Gere confronts his cheating wife and screams, “How could you do this to us? You threw it all away! For what?? A good lay??” (or something like that.) He then goes on to shout, “I knew the first day.”
There is an earlier scene when Diane Lane is in the bathtub and Gere asks her if he can get in. She says, “No thanks, I’m really cold,” and gets out.
So, if you are having an affair, the reality is, your spouse probably knows. He or she might not know today or even in a month or several months or even years. But, at some point he or she will realize they have known all along.
Maybe you don’t care (or you don’t think you care.) But ask yourself, “How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? And for those who are reading this who think your spouse might be having affair, guess what? I really really hate to say this to you, but he or she is. The gut is RARELY wrong. How you choose to handle it is up to you. Just weigh all your options and do what you think will make you most happy in the long run—regardless of how difficult the road there could be.