Guy Whose Wife Was Having An Affair Says, "Cheaters Can Never Hide It" - Divorced Guy Grinning
  • 29January

    Guy Whose Wife Was Having An Affair Says, “Cheaters Can Never Hide It”By Jackie Pilossoph

            A comment from a reader: When a wife cheats or is having an affair, be it physical or emotional, the husband will know. I saw all…..

     

    having an affair 

     

     

    A comment from a reader: When a wife cheats or is having an affair, be it physical or emotional, the husband will know. I saw all the signs and was blind to them. I blocked all the signs from my mind, but what convinced me of her affair was not the evidence, but the feeling of my heart being scooped out of my chest. Cheaters can never really hide what they do.

     

    When someone is having an affair, a few possible scenarios occur. These include:

     

    1. The spouse finds out and fights to make the relationship work. They end up getting back together or the person having an affair leaves.
    2. The spouse finds out and has no tolerance for cheating. The relationship ends.
    3. The spouse sort of has an idea, but turns a blind eye because they don’t want things to change. Life is comfortable so they just accept it.
    4. The spouse has no idea but when he or she finds out, they realize that in retrospect they knew, they just didn’t want to see it.
    5. The spouse is blindsided because deep down, he or she really didn’t care enough to pay attention.
    6. The spouse is blindsided because he or she is so innately naïve, they never dreamed cheating was a possibility.

     

    “Selective

     

    Here’s the thing about having an affair. I agree with this reader that if a spouse is having an affair, consciously or subconsciously, the person knows. He or she might figure it out or have proof right away, but at some point, it hits them. Their gut instinct screams it out to them.

     

    Several years ago, I was in a relationship and I had a feeling he was cheating. I ignored it. Years later, after we had broken up, I found out that my gut had been right. He was cheating. I wish I had never known because it didn’t matter anymore. Yet, there was something comforting about knowing I wasn’t crazy and paranoid all those years ago, imagining he was cheating if he really wasn’t. A double-edge sword or a silver lining either way?

     

    The thing is, my reader states, “Cheaters can never really hide what they do.” I think he is right. A cheater might be able to hide it for a little while, but there is an intuition in a spouse that always finds out.

     

    Remember the 2002 movie, Unfaithful with Richard Gere and Diane Lane? If you haven’t seen it, you should. It’s a great movie with an impactful message. There is a scene when Richard Gere confronts his cheating wife and screams, “How could you do this to us? You threw it all away! For what?? A good lay??” (or something like that.) He then goes on to shout, “I knew the first day.”

    There is an earlier scene when Diane Lane is in the bathtub and Gere asks her if he can get in. She says, “No thanks, I’m really cold,” and gets out.

     

    So, if you are having an affair, the reality is, your spouse probably knows. He or she might not know today or even in a month or several months or even years. But, at some point he or she will realize they have known all along.

     

    Maybe you don’t care (or you don’t think you care.) But ask yourself, “How would I feel if the shoe was on the other foot? And for those who are reading this who think your spouse might be having affair, guess what? I really really hate to say this to you, but he or she is. The gut is RARELY wrong. How you choose to handle it is up to you. Just weigh all your options and do what you think will make you most happy in the long run—regardless of how difficult the road there could be.

     

    Jackie Pilossoph

    Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

    1 Reply

    Blindsided.....or blind November 24, 2018Reply

    Yes, indeed. You are spot on. I was married 26 years or so when I found out. She had swore from day one that she'd never cheat, but would leave me if she were unhappy. The kids grew up, we sold our home and were moving. I was hoping to restore what we both knew was missing and saw it as "the" opportunity. We stayed at her mom's for a couple weeks. I was at a laundromat and on the TV was one of those daytime gossip shows. Some guy says he suspected his wife was cheating, hired a PI and was devastated when confronted with the truth. I wasn't even watching. It was in the periphery and I was doing my laundry. I got this sudden feeling of doom. Overwhelming and horrible. I wanted to run out of there and had no idea why. A couple weeks later, we found an apartment we rented until we found the place in the city that we wanted. I turned to look at her and she ever so slightly moved her phone screen away. I asked whi she was texting. "My train buddy" was the response. Immediately, I asked man or woman. "Man". Of course. I said"first name, last name, where does this MFer live?" I looked him up and he was not even close to me in the looks department, nor the fitness department. He was 59, she 45 or so. She's stunningly beatiful. He was overweight and bald. I rested easy. God was watching over me, I'll tell you. A month passed before I got the sudden urge to look into this.....again out of nowhere. I discovered you can find out who the person was texting and discovered that in that billing cycle, not yet done...26 days in, one number appeared 1300 times!!! I confronted her at a restaurant that night. She got angry, said I was nuts and left me sitting there like an idiot. We drove home in silence, but when we walked in, I turned on the computer and showed her the excel spreadsheet I had created and her face fell. I told her i kissed her ass all those years and now I've been humiliated? I gave her the finger and packed. She begged, pleaded and cried that she screwed up, never realized how much she loves me and she ruined our marriage, She claimed it was an emotional affair and he paid attention to her. Attention I never gave her. She didn't excuse it at all. It was just how. She accepted all the fault, even though there's always blame on both sides. I opted to stay and we fought through some tough times, but we have a better marriage than ever. No doubt. It is what it should've been from the start. The problem? 1. I feel like a sucker for not seeing it at the time. 2. I don't believe the details. She was caught in so many lies in the first month or so. Details that I discovered weren't true. I suspect it was more than emotional. She goes as far as to say they NEVER discussed how they felt about one another, despite this going on for at least two years Personally, I'm at the stage where I've accepted that more likely happened and I don't really care if it did. What does bother me is that she still won't tell me the truth, either through shame or not wanting to hurt me, or fear I I'll call it quits. I won't. I just hate being lied to. I'm over the affair, I'm not OK with not knowing the truth and I know I'm not going to get it. I am 100% certain that she's had no contact with him since the discovery (except for that Monday when I suspect they spoke to get their stories straight) because they both knew I was going to let his wife know. He called me that night to tell me nothing happened and he was sorry. Some things were almost verbatim what my wife told me, so I'm not buying it. Recovering from an affair is a tough thing. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

    ' Reply
      • Affiliates in Counseling
      • 6 tips to getting a mortgage after a divorce
      • Divorce And Your House: 3 Real Estate Tips