Advice for: "I’m Having an Affair. How Bad Is That?"

Ok, Divorced Girl Smiling, here’s a biggie: I’m having an affair. How bad is that? If both parties are in unhappy marriages, but kids are involved, no one is leaving yet (no one feels they can.) So folks are cordially kind on a day to day basis in their marriages, however, outside relations evolve.


I try really hard not to judge men and women who are having affairs. No one should judge because every story is different, and what you see might not be what is really happening in that person’s marriage.


That said, I have a few things to say about your situation.


  1. Both parties are in unhappy marriages. Why are the marriages unhappy and why did BOTH couples choose to find happiness with another person instead of work on the marriage? Maybe you are going to say, “We did try to work on the marriage but nothing helped. We tried therapy, going on dates, etc. etc.” To that, I answer, then you should have gotten divorced after you know there was no hope.


  1. Kids are involved, no one is leaving yet. I am trying to understand what benefit you are offering your kids by sending the message you are sending, which is:


There is no romantic love between your parents so one or both of us are choosing to go outside the marriage/commit adultery and find it.


Kids are very very smart and perceptive and they can sense what’s going on. They will grow up and remember the affairs(s) (if they don’t already know.)


  1. Folks are cordially kind on a day to day basis. Your kids could grow up thinking they should get married, be cordially kind and have affairs for the romance part. Just sayin. It’s something to think about.


  1. Outside relations evolve. I understand that you just want to be happy and feel loved and fulfilled in a way that is obviously more than your wife can give. I get it. But the thing is, I don’t believe affairs are ‘real’ relationships. In other words, you are sneaking around and having fun and it’s a secret and it’s sexy and forbidden. Your real relationship will begin when/if the two of you live together with your kids and hers, and deal with ex’s and the dynamics of a second marriage. Not saying you aren’t in love, or that it won’t work out, just saying that is the difference between what you have and what you will have after being put under those harsh conditions.


In closing, to answer your question, “How bad is that?” Only you can answer that. I’m not judging you, I just want to give you some things to consider, so that you can re-evaluate what you are doing and where you are headed, both in your marriage and in your affair. In other words, I don’t think you are a bad person. I think you are a good person who is very confused. Good luck.

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Jackie Pilossoph

Editor-in-chief: Jackie Pilossoph

Divorced Guy Grinning is a blog for men facing divorce and dating after divorce. It's kind of like hanging out with your platonic female divorced friend and hearing her perspective on your divorce and your love life issues.

2 Responses to “Advice for: "I’m Having an Affair. How Bad Is That?"”

  1. ALW

    My wife had an affair. It was the absolute worst thing I ever experienced. To put it lightly, it was castrating. Didn’t eat it sleep for several days and was emotionally extremely Labelle for more than a year. Lost tons of sleep, often crying to sleep. The feeling if rejection is huge. Wouldn’t wish it on any one. In other words, it is very bad.

  2. Shannon

    There is no excuse ever for an affair no matter what a marriage is like. My husband had one and it was the absolute most devastating thing that can happen in a marriage. Ot society says they don’t want to judge but some things are really bad no matter what and affairs are one of them.


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