Here is a question I received from a guy who says lack of sex in marriage is becoming an issue:
Jackie, How important do you believe sex is in a marriage? I love my wife but this one to two times a month is really getting tough.
How important do I believe sex is in a marriage? Like anything else in a marriage, sex is only as important as it is to one or both of the people in the marriage. Sounds like it is important to you, therefore, my answer to you is, sex is very important in your marriage.
Not knowing anything about you, your wife or your situation, I can tell you this. Sex is not important to your wife right now, and there are many potential reasons. I’m not saying I approve or disapprove of any of these, or that I can even remotely draw a conclusion, but here are a few possibilities:
- She is very into the kids and her entire focus is on them.
- She is having an affair.
- She doesn’t feel good about herself either physically or professionally. In other words, she has low self-esteem causing her a lack of sexual desire.
- She has depression.
- She has a substance abuse problem.
- She is bored.
- She has become complacent.
- She doesn’t love you anymore.
- She is really into her job and very focused professionally.
- She is angry at you about something. It is deep rooted and there is lots of resentment.
All of these are horrible scenarios, so I don’t mean to depress you, but I’m trying to help you realize that there might be a lot more going on with her than you think. I can only speak for myself and for women I talk to, but sex is a strange thing for women. Unlike for men, the desire for sex is dependent on countless emotional issues and outside factors that have nothing to do with physical desire. Or rather the factors either foster sex or they act as a deterrent.
My advice would be TALK to her. Take her out for a really nice dinner and speak to her in the tone that best friends use. Say, “I love you so much. I want to be with you more in a physical way. Tell me why that isn’t happening. Be completely honest with me.”
Also, explain to her in a really nice way what your needs are. Remember: best friends. I truly believe having a close friendship is the difference between a really good marriage and a marriage that suffers.
I would also recommend therapy for lack of sex in marraige. I have heard of couples benefitting from it on this topic.
Lastly, I’d highly suggest doing things to make her want to have sex with you more often. Remember that no matter how long a couple is together, a woman always wants to feel like she is being courted, appreciated, loved and cherished. Things like backrubs, flowers, a nice card, or even just looking right in her eyes and saying, “you are gorgeous” will make her happy and sustain the love she has for you. AND, she will start to reciprocate. You heard it here first.