Jackie, I have been married for over 15 years and I’m thinking of separating. After 8 years, my wife decided to sleep in the spare room sighting that I snore and that she is not getting enough sleep. We have not slept together sexually since. I had asked about starting a family. She responded by saying, “What? I’m not a baby machine”. Now it sounds harsh but it really wasn’t too harsh. My wife has a great sense of humor.
Because we have slept separately for such a long time, I know for a fact that I’m no longer sexually attracted to her. Back in the day if she was dressed in nightwear, I’d be ready to pull her clothes off. Now, if she dressed in her sexiest outfit for bed, I know for a fact that I would not be sexually aroused. So where does that leave us? We stay together and we enjoy each other’s company and have fun. Smile laugh and go on vacations. If I were to tell her that I am not sexually attracted to her, that would devastate her. No one wants to hear those words. What’s the right way to say that?
My marriage counselor suggested a book I should read. It’s about bringing the spark back into your marriage. I read this book. It’s a good book. I forget the title. Did it help me and did I feel sexually attracted to her after reading it? No. I am continuing with the marriage counseling to see if I can save this marriage but deep down I already know. If there is no sexual attraction, how can we survive?
What’s weird is that she may even feel the same way as I do. Who knows? I did meet a great friend a year ago and we use to share what was going on in our lives. This went on for about 8 months then she told me that she loves me. I didn’t return the comment. She said it several times more during the 8 months. After the 3rd time, I told her that I loved her too but nothing will happen because I’m with my wife. She has decided to cut me off and move on.
The only next step I can think of is joint marriage counseling. And I know my wife will not be pleased in addressing that avenue. She seems to be happy every day. Calling me up to see how I’m doing. Giving support where she can but why will she never touch me? Am I that hideous? I have started also to collect some information regarding divorce. This will be a last resort but I feel I should be fully aware of how the process works. I may never divorce but something has to change.
There are several issues going on here, so I am going to try to offer advice by tackling them one at a time.
I’m not a baby machine.
You have been married for 8 years, which is a significant amount of time to be married and not have kids. So, for you to bring it up, only to have your wife joke about it, I think something is up. She is blatantly avoiding having any type of serious discussion with you about kids, and chooses to cover up her discomfort with a joke. How could that comment not lead to further conversation? If you want kids and she doesn’t, you better speak up!
Because we have slept separately for such a long time, I know for a fact that I’m no longer sexually attracted to her.
I get it. It’s easy to lose interest physically in someone who isn’t interested in you, right? I don’t blame you.
My marriage counselor suggested a book I should read.
Forget books and start talking to your wife! I know it’s scary but you have to face your troubled marriage head on at some point. Haven’t you spent enough time feeling sad and unwanted? Verbalize your feelings, your hurt, your unhappiness or nothing will change. The only chance you have of things getting better is to let her know that the two of you have problems. Maybe they can be fixed, maybe not. And if not, of she wants out, don’t you want to know already so that you can move on?
I did meet a great friend a year ago and we use to share what was going on in our lives.
The fact that you told another woman you loved her speaks volumes. Do you understand that married people in love do not say those things to others? But, good for you for not cheating physically. I admire you tremendously for that.
The only next step I can think of is joint marriage counseling. And I know my wife will not be pleased in addressing that avenue.
I don’t mean to be a jerk, but tough crap if your wife isn’t pleased by your wish to go to marriage counseling. You seem almost afraid of her, afraid to rock the boat. IT NEEDS ROCKED! She needs to wake up. I do have another thought and I hope I’m wrong, but I’d find out if she is having an affair. Again, I hope I’m wrong, but it is a possibility. I’m sorry. I don’t want to hurt you by saying that. Just want you to open your eyes.
Why will she never touch me? Am I that hideous?
I want to hug you and tell you that you are not hideous! I’m so sorry that she has made you feel that way. That’s awful. For her to not touch you for all those years is a form of abuse, and you need to address this. You have a right to be angry and disappointed and frustrated. Part of marriage is sex and intimacy, and that is not present here. What if your wife deprived you of dinner every night and you were forced to go to bed hungry? It’s kind of the same thing, in my eyes.
I hope I wasn’t too tough, but rather honest in my opinion. Whatever happens, I will wish you the best!
Dave
I don’t think she is having an affair. There have been a lot of articles published with surveys about women and sex, and how many, many women just don’t like it, or at least have it as a very low priority. If I remember correctly, one article stated that 60% of women surveyed would rather watch TV, read a book, or surf the web instead of having sex with their partner. My wife is that way, as are most of my friends wives.
Aim
I hate to be harsh but I agree with Jackie about the cheating. 8 years is a long time for no sexual contact. I have avoided sexual contact with my husband for 2 years because of his continued infidelities and my fear of contracting an STD (we are now in the process of getting a divorce). Intimacy was a part of our marriage, it allowed release and sharing of a sacred part of myself with the person i love. Not having this has been very difficult and hurtful for me. I can’t fathom no sexual contact with my spouse for 8 years. That’s just crazy!
Pat
Wait until you’re divorced and you meet someone that makes you feel desired. OMG. You realize just how terrible it’s been. Mine, we had it once a week, then two, then once a month, finally it got to where I couldn’t even remember. The rejection was expected and wasn’t worth it anymore. My new lady friend loves having sex and I’m having a hard time keeping up with her! Wish I had met her a long time ago.