Here is a message I received from a male reader who seems to be thinking of cheating. This was the entire message:
I’m unhappy in a relationship and looking for love.
I don’t usually have this kind reaction from my readers’ emails, but when I got this message, it instantly infuriated me.
This was the entire message, so maybe this person isn’t the heartless cheater he sounds like he’s about to become. Maybe he and his wife/girlfriend have discussed it and have decided to separate or date other people. That’s what I’d like to think, anyhow.
But, my gut is telling me that his relationship is a committed, supposed monogamous one, and that either his wife/girlfriend is in the dark, or they are unhappy and are trying unsuccessfully to fix their problems.
Whatever is going on here, to hear “I’m unhappy in a relationship” and “looking for love” in the same sentence is extremely unhealthy. Why is this person thinking that if he is unhappy than he feels that being in love will solve everything?
Maybe his wife/girlfriend is a cold bitch to him. Maybe SHE is cheating. Maybe she told him she wants a divorce. Or, maybe they have spent years in couples counseling and it’s just not working.
Somehow I do not think any of these scenarios are the case, but even giving this guy the benefit of the doubt, why is his first inclination to hurry up and meet someone else?
What I always have a hard time understanding is, why are so many men and women so *ucking afraid to be by themselves for two minutes???
The guy should have stopped with “I’m unhappy” and then tried to figure out why. Maybe he needs to take a look in the mirror and figure out what in his own life isn’t working. Maybe he needs to uncover the reasons his current relationship isn’t working. Maybe he needs therapy or more spirituality, or a good workout regime, or doing more things to facilitate self-love and self-discovery.
Why does he think falling in love with another woman is going to make his unhappiness to go away?? I just don’t get it. In effect, he has decided he is going to put a Band-Aid on his unhappiness by getting involved with other women, which is not only unfair to his current girlfriend/wife, but to the women!
Dating, kissing, sex, feeling loved (even if it’s infatuation based) and having fun are great things and I support all of them. But, cheating is not cool, and neither is hurting people, which include your spouse, the person you’re cheating with, and yourself (because you haven’t done the real work to heal yourself from the failure of your relationship.)
So, my advice to “I’m unhappy in a relationship and looking for love” is realize the value of doing things in the best order, which is:
- Figure out where the current relationship is going. Either make it work or break up.
- Fix yourself. Uncover what went wrong. Engage in self-discovery and things in life that facilitate self-love and being the best person you can be.
- Date and have a good time. Or, in your words, “look for love.”