I wrote a blog post called “’Can’t Get Over My Ex Wife,’ Says Divorced Man,” and here is a comment I got from a newly separated man. I want to offer him some divorce advice I think will help him:
My wife keeps telling me how I put her through ten torturous years of marriage, and how me finally moving out was the best day of her life, and how she is so much happier now. She can’t seem to remember a single positive thing about our marriage.
I keep hoping that she’ll take me back, remember many happy moments. She, who got rid of me, needs to justify it by painting me as a no good husband who only made her miserable.
She keeps telling the kids, “We are all going to be happier now”, but I keep thinking that only she is. Three people have to become unhappy for her to gain her happiness.
What you might not realize is that when a man or woman wants a divorce, the day their soon-to-be ex moves out is a day of tremendous relief. It feels like a million pounds was just lifted off of their back, just because they have wanted this for so long. So, when she says it was “the best day of her life,” she is expressing the immense relief she is feeling and nothing more. I promise, it wasn’t the best day of her life.
From what I am reading here, your soon-to-be ex sounds like she is holding a tremendous amount of resentment towards you, which could stem from the fact that she kept it to herself all those years. Did she? Or, did she ever express unhappiness for years, and you didn’t take her seriously? There’s a big difference here. If she kept her immense unhappiness to herself all those years, then shame on her. If she tried to talk to you about it and you didn’t want to listen and/or acknowledge that there were issues that weren’t working for her, you need to take accountability. My guess is that it was somewhere in between, as is the case for most couples, in my opinion.
Your wife says she can’t remember a single positive thing because her amount of resentment is so large and she sounds angry. That will fade and with you out of the house, having space and reflection, she will start to remember good things about your marriage. BUT, she probably won’t communicate that to you. So, just know that there were good things in your marriage. You will just never hear them from her.
Lastly, I want to address, “I keep hoping she’ll take me back.” Please prepare yourself that she might not. You can definitely sit her down and try talking her into a second chance for the marriage, but she might say no. What that means for you is accepting the divorce and moving on. It isn’t easy. It’s gut-wrenchingly sad and awful and devastating, but the reality is, you can’t sit around and wait for her to change her mind. To me, it sounds like she has checked out. I hope I’m wrong.
Remember that as time goes on, memories become more and more clear cut—both the bad ones and the good ones. Whatever ends up happening in your marriage or your divorce, time will help you make more sense of things, which is always a good thing, and maybe what went wrong won’t seem like such an enigma. Best wishes.
Just went through it last year it absolutely sucks, but he needs to prepare himself for the inevitable. Surround himself with his friends and family and lean on them all he can until he is ready to move forward for himself.
Same deal here for me except she left our house and has been vindictive and bitter ever since for the most part like a child throwing a tantrum. Her mother has been the same way and her father avoids me. We have three small children and we’ve all been heart-broken and confused by this.
However….the first thing I did was start going to a counselor and then me and the kids to church and being super involved there. I was already really involved in home and school life so I got 50/50 custody and we both have good jobs so no money either way so that’s cool.
It’s been really hard for me because I tried to make her happy for years and years and did everything I could but she wouldn’t communicate and lied and hide things when I just trusted her to tell me the truth. Craziest part is we were have kids all during this and she left when our youngest was one.
It’s tough for you. It’s tough to see your kids pain. Separate yourself as fast as you can. Limit your contact as much as you can. With kids it’s tough but try not communicate. Trust me. Just move on and move on fast.
I’m going through this now. My wife and I are currently separated. I made some grievous mistakes in our marriage, but no matter what I say or do she will never accept my apology. It sucks because we had many good memories together while we were married for 7 1/2 years, but you would think the whole time I was absolutely terrible to her. But, I did a terrible thing and unfortunately that will be my lasting legacy for her. Now I can only prepare for the divorce and hope to move on. I’m sure I’ll never be the same in the court of public opinion, but I made the choice to brand myself with the scarlet letter and that’s something I will have to live with.
Great tips! Most people don`t realize that marriage is not forever. The divorce is not the most pleasant thing in life and coping with it is possible. Greets!