When it comes to dating after divorce, everyone has his or her own timetable. There are so many reasons that can cause apprehension: the lingering hurt from the divorce, kids, bitterness, fear of feeling awkward, shyness, insecurity, or the worst one:laziness. This is a guest post by London based author, Ben Adams on the subject. Adams is really sweet and funny, and the post is real; it paints a picture of how confusing dating after divorce can be!
When is the right time to date again? by Ben Adams
When is the right time to date again after a divorce? There must be a correct answer; I can’t be the first man to ask this question.
I raised the issue with those close to me. I don’t know why I bothered though.
‘You shouldn’t be dating yet,’ my mother offered determinedly, ‘it’s far too soon.’
‘You haven’t been dating yet?’ my friends asked incredulously, ‘has it fallen off?’
‘You shouldn’t bother,’ my sons mocked cruelly, ‘no woman will want you.’
I really do want to know the answer though. Is it a year after your divorce? Or is it when your kids grow up? I hope not because my boys will be with me for years.
If my ex’s friends are to be believed, I am only allowed to date the day after my ex is seen dating again. Call me selfish but I would quite like to date before my ex.
Up until now I have put off dating. While part of me has wanted to date again for the past few months, the wimpy part of me has come up with excuses like ‘it’s never good to date when on the rebound’ and ‘the kids are the priority now.’ I even stayed home in the evenings and wrote a book, just to give myself an excuse not to have to go out and face the world, or more particularly women, of an evening.
But now I have finished the book and those other excuses sound lame, even to me. It’s been a while since my ex and I split up. It’s been a while, period. My ex and I aren’t wanting to kill each other anymore. At least I’m not wanting to kill her. I’m not even stalking her on Facebook now. Surely that means I’ve moved on enough?
Which is why I am going on a date next week. With a friend of a friend.
I am off for a drink with Carla from credit control. Carla is bubbly and fun. And she’s divorced too, so at least we’ve got something in common.
It’s been twenty years since I last went out with someone I didn’t really know. How do you prepare for a date?
I might have a shave. I will probably have a shower. I will definitely have a swift drink before I leave the house.
And what will we talk about? Do we talk about work all night or is it acceptable to tell her about the kids? Do I pay her a compliment on her looks or will that sound sleazy? What if we get on and she wants to come back to my place? The boys are at home.
Who am I kidding?
Ben Adams is the author of ‘Six months to Get a Life’, the not autobiographical at all tale of a dad’s attempts to sort his life out after his divorce.