I am a newly separated man. After years of infidelity on my part; I asked for a separation. I thought since I was the one that asked for this I would be able to walk away without feeling any hurt. I found out shortly after I left the house that my wife is dating another man. At first it did not bother me. It was not until her repeated rejection to my advancements that I realized that I am no longer the one she wants. I am having a harder time dealing with this than I thought I was going to. Does this mean anything or am I just going through the emotions and this will pass as time moves on?
Let me get this straight. You cheated, asked for a separation, found out your wife was seeing someone, hit on her, and now you are upset that she doesn’t want to get back together??
To answer your question, yes, this will pass. You do not love your wife enough to stay with her. I don’t know the whole story and I am not judging you, but I can see very clearly what is going on.
Your ego is very bruised that your wife decided to get over you and move on. So, my advice is, if you care for her at all, let her do that. Let her have happiness. If you were seeing other women in your marriage, she was probably hurt and sad and lonely. Now it appears she is happy. So, why does that bother you? You chose this. Unless you have really ill feelings toward her, why wouldn’t you want her to be happy in her relationship? Would you rather she sleep with you, and then regret it when you decide to leave again after realizing you don’t want to be with her?
I will tell you that how you are feeling is very common. There are countless men and women who choose to leave, find out their spouse is seeing someone else, and then go a little crazy with jealousy and bad feelings. They may even create a false history and say their spouse was really the one who wanted the divorce and that he or she was cheating all along.
I find that when people get upset that their spouse is dating, it isn’t because the person wants to get back together, but rather because it is the point when reality sinks in and there is a finality to the decision they made. Their ex has crossed over and they can’t believe it. So, they start to doubt their decision. It is only temporary, but it drives people nuts, and causes anger and bitterness. Additionally, the person might make the legal side of the divorce more difficult for their spouse because of their intense anger and jealousy.
I really do think that in time you will come to accept that she is in a relationship that is making her happy. Don’t you feel like maybe you owe that to her? Honestly, I am not blaming you for your divorce and I don’t know the whole story. But you yourself wrote that you cheated and asked for a separation, so based on that, I think that answers the question.
Being newly separated is really hard, whether you are the one who chose to leave or the one who was left. Add new romantic interests into the picture and it brings a whole new level of pain to what is going on. I get it.
A couple recommendations I would make would be to go to therapy (please no eye rolling.) Talk to a professional about how you are feeling. I really believe it will help you. Secondly, I would take some time and really think about what you want moving forward. It’s OK to be by yourself for awhile or just date casually. Also, finding faith is very helpful, at least is was (and is) for me.
Lastly, consider a heart to heart with your ex and apologize for your part in the demise of your marriage. She might laugh at you, she might yell at you, or she might say she is sorry, as well. But regardless of the outcome, you might feel surprisingly good by admitting some fault. Best wishes.
Like this post? Check out my blog, “Newly Separated Guy With 4 kids: Who Will want to date him?“