I have some relationship advice for a reader who emailed me this question:
I like having my wife wear high heels during sex. It’s a huge turn on for me. She doesn’t get why I like this and calls it weird. How do I get her to see it as not weird?
Here is my opinion. It doesn’t matter if your wife thinks wearing high heels during sex is weird, and it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t understand why you like it. What matters is that you want her to wear high heels and YOU like it. That should have sold her.
I think that your wife should not even question it. She should just do it. Others might disagree with me, but being in a committed, monogamous relationship is about giving and receiving, pleasing and being pleased, and loving and being loved.
When two people love each other, they should be willing to bend over backwards to any request (within reason) the other one has. Frankly, I don’t think your asking her to wear high heels during sex is that big of a deal.
This issue might go a lot deeper than the high heels, and maybe the two of you need to communicate a little bit more effectively. You should consider sitting her down and just saying, “Heels is something I like. I enjoy it. I think they make you look sexy and beautiful. So, I was hoping that would be enough for you, and just knowing I like it would make you not even question doing it. If there is something you want and/or need, please tell me and I will do it for you. I love you and I want to have a really great sex life with you, and heels are helpful for me.”
See what she says. Maybe she has some personal issues with it, and maybe she isn’t thinking about you, but instead the fact that she thinks for some reason it is wrong/strange/shameful.
I will say this. Men and women are built very differently, and women who are unwilling to go outside the lines in the bedroom often find themselves cheated on. Now, I’m not saying a woman should do things in bed that are uncomfortable or that she finds inappropriate. There is a line that needs to be drawn.
For example, if a woman’s husband asks her to have a threesome, I can understand why she would have a problem and decline. But wearing high heels doesn’t seem to be that big of a deal. Do I think it’s weird? Sure. But I am a woman, and I can’t think of one guy who wouldn’t want his girlfriend or wife to wear high heels in bed. It’s just a guy thing, I guess.
What I have a problem with is your wife’s unwillingness to do it for you. Because if she wanted you to wear, let’s say for example a Tuxedo one night to bed, wouldn’t you do it for her?
More relationship advice: Relationships should be about giving. Men and women should want to give as much as they can. I realize that as time goes by and the newness of a relationship wears off, giving might seem like a chore. But people who are in truly happy relationships are all about giving—even after years and years. Because, what giving does (hopefully) is rub off on the other person, who starts to give. That makes the original giver give more, and it just keeps going from there.
My relationship advice is, talk to your wife. Sit her down with a glass of wine. Maybe buy her a new pair of beautiful shoes. Tell her you love her so much and that you don’t want to be with any other woman. Just her. But, you are a man who has needs and you hope she understands that.
Let me know what happens and best of luck!
Like this article? Check out, “Dating a Divorced Woman with Kids: What You Need to Know”
my husband loves it ,so do i
Thank you so much for this article. It is especially a relief that it was written by a woman, yet it shares a man’s perspective. I know it’s a bit old, but I wanted to weigh in, and I’d like my feelings, and perspective, validated. I was engaged to a woman, now my ex-fiancee, who always refused to do anything sexy. Her attitude, on a subject like this, would be, “I don’t have to do anything that I don’t want to do”. And, that is a direct quote. Also, she’d say, “Why would I want to do that? That’s for you, not for me?” She never wore lingerie, not even a hot pair of yoga pants, when I offered to buy them. Again, she’d say, “You’re not buying them for me, but for you”. She had a lot of other sexual hang-ups, beyond the scope of this comment. I do know she had certain body image issues, though she was very attractive. She also refused to openly communicate about our personal desires. It’s as if she had sexual trauma in her past, which is likely, given some things she told me. It doesn’t matter now, as we’re broken up. Though, we did have a child. But, it’s good to know I wasn’t crazy on this matter.