I met John Turner (JT) when he and I were guests together on a Huffington Post radio show. I instantly adored his humorous and REAL personality. Turner was one of the first men I had in mind to contribute to Divorced Guy Grinning. Turner gets it. He really does. This post, in which he gives divorce advice for men based on what HE has learned in his own experience is truly from the heart. Enjoy the post!
7 Things I’ve Learned Since My Divorce by John C. Turner M.S. AKA Professor JT
I’ve been divorced for 2 years now and one thing I think would have been helpful to me would have been some tips after getting divorced on what to deal with as a man. It’s different for women and men who get divorced because while women may have their “GIRLS” or “Support Systems”, sometimes men don’t have those connections to help them get past their divorce.
As a Man, people just think you’ll ride it out, get through it, or find some “Other” woman to help you get through the pain and hurt. Honestly, every man is going to react differently, but it still doesn’t mean that divorced men do not need help and support to make the right decisions as they try to move on with their lives. In my 2 years of being divorced, I had to learn a lot FAST about trying to get my mind, body, and spirit right and healthy for possibly another romantic relationship and even possibly another marriage one day.
This all comes with time, meditation, and in my case as well, a lot of PRAYER! I didn’t want to bring the past pains of my divorce into another relationship, because that’s not fair to the next woman who I plan to be with in my life.
Here are 7 Things that I have learned since my divorce:
1. YOUR RELATIONSHIP/DATING LIFE IS NOT OVER: Even after a divorce you have to realize…YOU’RE STILL A MAN! People still want you and you still want them and it’s not the end of the world that the one you had is gone! GET BACK OUT THERE & DATE, when you’re READY OF COURSE!
2. YOU HAVE TO FIND YOURSELF AGAIN: After a divorce, you are broken spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. You have to take time as a man to find yourself and your balance again. Know who you are on the inside and get some inner peace so that you can get past your divorce and move on with your future.
3. GET RID OF YOUR EX’S STUFF: Anything that reminds you of your past marriage, remove all those memories out of your life and start fresh. Pictures, things you bought together, sometimes it’s good to even MOVE out of the house/apt you two shared. Starting NEW can give you a fresher look into your future and help you have a smoother transition into moving into one.
4. YOU HAVE TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE: Fellas, you can’t get down on yourself and sit in the crib all day watching SportsCenter, every sad movie, and sporting event that comes on. YOU HAVE TO GET UP AND DO SOMETHING! Get involved with an organization, church, go out and have a drink or two! Get back out there and don’t sit around feeling sorry for yourself. Don’t go OVERBOARD, but have a little fun.
5. FIND SOMEONE TO TALK TO AND GET YOUR FEELINGS OUT: Find someone to talk to. You have to get all your emotions out. Whether it’s anger, rage, depression, tears, pain, hurt. No matter what it is, you have to find someone you can trust who won’t judge you, on what you went through and sort out all your feelings. It doesn’t make you WEAK to do so! It means you care about yourself and you don’t want to harbor all of your feelings, which could make you blow up down the line. Whether a counselor, minister, close friend or family member; you need to talk to SOMEONE!
6. HAVE SOME FUN WITH THE FELLAS: One of the biggest relationships that can suffer when you get married at times is a man’s time with his boys. After a divorce, it’s good to reconnect with your male family members and old friends. They can bring back some fun times and memories you all had and you can make some new ones. These things help take your mind off of your divorce and get you away from the situation a bit.
7. DON’T BE AFRAID TO GO BACK HOME: Sometimes the greatest people to help us after a divorce are our family members. We can be honest with them, break down and cry in front of them if we need too. Don’t let yourself become separated from your loved ones after a divorce either, because their love and support can really help keep you going.
THANKS JT! JT really hit it on the head when he said that women have their girls. I find that the difference between newly separated men and newly separated women is that the women reach out and talk to others, they talk about their feelings. Men (not all but a lot that I know) keep it inside. They tend to think more and talk less, which isn’t always good. John is right when he says, “you’re still a man.” This relates to women in that he could also say, (to both men and women) “You are still YOU.” Don’t forget that you have this wonderful, beautiful self with all of these really good qualities that you had before your marriage, and that you will continue to have even though you are divorced. It might not feel like that at the beginning, but if you let your anger go, refuse to be a victim, and believe in yourself, you can’t lose.
John Turner, M.S. resides in Indianapolis and is a Model, Author, Educator, Speaker, & Professor. Check out His Book – The Art Form of P.A.S.S.I.O.N. and his blogs on The “Professor JT” Blog, johnturnerworld.blogspot.com and his Inspirational Articles on Blacklifecoaches.net