Great divorce advice from Chicago based transition coach, Sheila Devi on playing the blame game, and how you can win by quitting it.
The Blame Game by Sheila Devi
What would it feel like to let go of the blame game that you’re playing to make yourself feel better about this break-up?
You know what I’m talking about…
It’s her fault because she criticized me all the time.
It’s her fault because she was always on the road for work.
It’s her fault because she stopped wanting to have sex after we had kids.
It’s her fault because….
You may not be saying things like these out loud but chances are, you’re thinking them. At first, it can feel great to blame someone. No need to feel bad about yourself….
It takes a lot of energy to hold onto those resentful feelings. It takes a lot of energy to keep reminding yourself of all the horrible things she did so you can keep remembering that it was her fault.
It’s why she’s already dating and you’re sitting at home in front of the TV every Friday night with a burrito and a beer.
What would it feel like to move on, too? Here are three truths.
1) Truth #1 – Replaying the situation over and over again like a sportscaster isn’t going to change anything.
2) Truth #2 – It doesn’t matter whose “fault” you think it is. I hate the cliche too, but you’re really only hurting yourself.
3) Truth #3 – It might be painful to admit, but you also have some responsibility for what went down in the relationship.
“Wait a minute. You want me to say this is my fault?”
No, but what would it be like to look at your part in what happened? Marriages are comprised of two people, both of whom have responsibility for the direction it goes and whether it works or doesn’t work.
It might feel really crappy to look at what you did to contribute, but here’s the good news…. Taking your share of responsibility means you can learn from what happened. It also means you can choose to do things differently next time.
Fill in the blanks:
• I take responsibility because I… • I take responsibility because I… • I take responsibility because I… • I take responsibility because I…
High five! That’s awesome!
Now that you know you’ve done A, B, C, and D, you don’t ever have to do them again. Different actions = different outcomes.
Listen, I’m not guaranteeing that your next relationship will last forever. But you’re not doomed to relive the same pattern of relationships as long as you can choose to learn from the past and try something new next time.
Because, have faith, there will totally be a next time….
Sheila Devi became a transition coach because she’s passionate about resilience. She now focuses particularly on helping her clients to navigate career transitions. www.sheiladevi.com. She recently launched a new project on Instagram: twosteps.forward.
If you like this blog, I wrote a piece awhile back that reminds me of this blog, called “The Road To Finding Inner Peace Is Paved With Self-Awareness” Check it out!