If you are dating a woman with kids, you probably aren’t doing it just for fun. You most likely really, really like the woman (or love her) and you are smart enough to realize that with her, comes her children. Same thing applies to a woman dating a guy with kids, by the way.
Remember the movie “Jerry Maguire?” when Tom Cruise says to Cuba Gooding Jr., “Can I ask you a question? What do you know about the single mother?” and Cuba replies, “Single mothers don’t date. They’ve been to the circus, know what I mean? You’ve got to have the talk.”
I bring that up because that is a classic case where a single guy began dating a woman with a child, and had so much to learn and go through. Same is the case with Scott Trick, Divorced Guy Grinning’s guest blogger. Scott was a single guy dating a woman with kids, ended up marrying her and says he couldn’t be happier. But, he’ll be the first to tell you, it wasn’t always a piece of cake.
Here is Scott’s guest post that gives us a glance at the transition from single guy to married guy with step kids, and all the wonderful things that can happen if you are open-minded, have insight into what the kids are going through, and just give it time.
Step Parenting – From Frustration to Love
by Scott Trick
Almost a year ago I went from being single to married with two step kids. Divorce affects children tremendously. These affects can be the cause of frustration. But if you keep in mind what the kids went through, you will have a better understanding and be a great step parent.
One of the frustrations a step parent can experience is the fact that the step child does not know how to act in public with his or her new step parent. For example, when at home everyone gets along and does activities together, but in public the child may ignore the step parent and keep a distance. The reason is because being in public is a less frequent occurrence when compared to being at home in private. As with anything new, practice is needed or in this case just feeling comfortable with this new situation. After time, the child will feel more and more comfortable and frustration will lessen.
Fun and Excitement
The definition of fun and excitement itself will change, especially if the new step parent does not have kids. If the kids are in sports you will now get to follow some new sports teams. This can be more fun and exciting than watching a professional team. When at home there will be some new activities that you will enjoy with the kids. For example, tetherball, a game you never thought you would play, you might be playing it every night. Fun and excitement will change from grown up fun to kid fun.
Love and Happiness
It does take a little time for the kids to gain your trust as a step parent, but if you treat the kids with respect, they WILL eventually fall in love with you. You will also fall in love with the kids because of all the time you spend with them, and all the energy you put into being a great step parent.
I read years ago that love equals happiness. If you are loved by many, you will be happy. If you are loved by many more, you will be much happier. I was lucky enough to find not only a great wife, but also two amazing and loving children that make me the happiest husband and step parent in the entire universe.
Scott and Jenny had such a passion for helping others through the divorce process, that they started their website, Smart Divorce Network.
Like this article? Check out, “Divorce Advice: Let Your Ex into Your House”
I’ve met this extraordinary, smart and beautiful woman that has two girls (8 and 10) from a previous marriage. They got divorced two years ago, same as I did. We have had a chance to socialize a few times but have not dated yet. In conversations she pointed out that her daughters are her top priority and she’s not looking for a new relationship. Yet, we are developing a very open minded friendship. I really like her a lot and she’s receptive. Should I pursue a relationship? I know I have to respect her space, her daughters, but how can I avoid getting in the friend zone indefinitely? I know patience would be worthwhile as she is the most amazing woman I have ever met. Thank you!
You would be VERY wise to heed the comment about “her” priorities. Women who make their kids their top priority are not good dating material. Why? The children learn that the world revolves around them….not seeing a healthy, positive relationship where a man and woman are the center and the children are to be loved but not the “center” of the world. Think about it: Those same kids are going to grow up and want to be #1 with their new love interest. Imagine if they get married and have children and either spouse is # 2, 3, or worse? That’s what leads to divorce city all day long. Keep the nucleus of the family between the parents and the children learn what a health relationship is….balanced with respect and love for the children at all times. She also said “I’m NOT looking for a new relationship which could mean 1. She’s not over her OLD relationship or 2. She will never be over it and wants the benefits of a boyfriend with no strings attached. Think about it….
As for this article written by Scott Trick….It’s very short and I dare say shallow in it’s points. Try dealing with these points: The Ex is a bad influence on the children, The ex cheated which meant the relationship ended with severe strain on the children and spouse who was betrayed, sharing children is NEVER a fun thing….think so? Ask any divorced couple how many times the “No I thought YOU were going to take them this weekend and YOU were supposed to pick them up” argument occurs. It’s hard enough bringing up children when two parents are on the same team. Now you have 2 parents who don’t live together and 2 Step-Parents/BF/GF all putting their input in to “what’s right”. All it takes is for one of them to be a bad influence and you have trouble. Throw in child support problems, possible jealousy issues with any of them, and any of the children have psych issues from the divorce itself and it’s a big nut to crack. Article is superficial….
So….I’m 31, and i’m dating a woman who just turned 39 and has 2 kids (4 and 6). I’ve never been great around kids, they annoy me a lot, though i always thought i wanted kids, it’s not my time. She’s great, but i’m really unsure about this situation… She says she totally loves me, but i don’t feel the same. Of course, i’ve told her.
Jackie Pilossoph, I need your guidance desperately.
I am a 30 year old Indian man in love with a woman who is currently undergoing divorce. She has a child just 1 years old from her current marriage. Her so called husband has already married another woman and that is the reason for the divorce. He abuses her constantly and the marriage was also by force and deceit.
My issue is that my parents and relatives are averse to the idea of me marrying an already married woman and that too with a kid! She is 8 years younger to me (at least that’s a positive). I like her from the first day I saw her. She looks beautiful, speaks endearingly and is very practical and straightforward. She is quite open and has admitted everything about her first marriage. Now I am facing resistance from parents about my love for her. They think its a taboo. Social stigma is also attached to women who have divorced.
How can I convince my conservative Indian parents?
Should I further verify if the woman is indeed worthy of taking a risk?
Make the decision based on what is in your heart. She sounds wonderful. It’s very hard for old school parents to accept new things, but they are going to have to get over it and let their son be happy. I will pray for you that things work out!
Date a single young girl is much better.
I’m 30 years and i’m dating a divorced man of age 46 we are both deeply in love but he has 2 kids. and I’m wondering how future will be together. he also proposed me for marriage. unfortunately I have never been close to the kids as they live with their mum.
I need your advice.
How old are the kids? You don’t have to be close to the kids. Give them time. Just love your guy and enjoy! The kids will come around I bet!
Another words, a 46 year old woman with a 3 and 6 year old is just shit out of luck.
That is not true at all!!!
Being 28 i have no kids of my own, she is 29 with a 8 years old daughter she claims to be single but the kids father always around, i felt so insulted last week during her birthday i was invited but was never told the dad will be there too, whats even worst is i had to pitch in $150 for the kids birthday party stuff as she told me she did not get her child support but funny how its ok for him to show up at the party i was so sad that day and funny how my gf parents all they did was pay attention to the kids dad and leaving me alone on the corner hurts like hell and the 8 yrs girl was all over her father and totally forgotten about me and when he left and she ended up coming to me and hugging me and all. cant believe an 8 years old can be that fake! guys that dont have kids SHOULD NEVER DATE A WOMAN WITH KIDS.
To me it sounds like the problem might be your expectations. Did you just expect to waltz into the woman’s life and take over the dad role completely? You blame the child? Yeah, you probably shouldn’t date anyone with kids given that attitude.
I am a 28 year old guy, dating a
30 year Old woman with two kids of 15 and 13 years old . At first all was well but after my financial status got worse she started mistreating me and even insulting me in front of the kids. It hurts so bad. anyone out with some advice please.
I am a 50 year old man dating a 32 year old woman with four kids 13 year old boy and a 10-9 and five year old daughter. The 10-year old daughter stays with her biological father but she gets visitation every other weekend 13 year old son from a different father has no real contact with heads. He also is a challenge as he’s been and any Juve detention and also had issues with stealing cars at the very beginning of our relationship he stole mine which is about 2 years ago I really have not forgiven him for that or gotten over it so to speak. The house has to be logged properly for him that this game and you know he has an ankle monitor and he goes to a alternative school all the signs that I don’t want to deal with but I love this woman. I have one child he’s 9 Nicole parent I get them every other weekend and every Wednesday night and I’m raising the best I can and keeping him from anything that’s negative he has healthy set up between his mother and I and the rest of the family. I love this woman but it’s becoming evident that she wants more right away I have my own home she has own rental condo she’s about to try to buy this home but you know I’m just thinking that I I don’t think I have the patience to raise the troubled youth and the patience for Starting Over Again with kids. I feel like she wants more she’s explained it that she doesn’t want to Forever boyfriend but I have my own place and she has hers and the same things that I just don’t like I like the the way the kids are not made to clean up after themselves or held accountable consistently to what they don’t do she feels like it’s too much trouble to question him over again if they’ve done something she gets overwhelmed so she just lets it be until she can’t take it anymore. So I’m torn but deep down in my heart I kind of feel like I need to make a decision now because I just want to live my life be happy and do things I don’t want to feel tied down for another 20 years or 15 years raising children that may work out of me not work out so just needed some advice or book that I can read that can help me make a better decision or if my decision is pretty much made by my explanation. Thank you
The woman you are dating is using you. Run away as fast as you can now! You should be never be paying for any of her kids’ stuff if they have a father that is alive and around. Don’t be used. Her and the kids’ father are solely financially responsible for their own kids, not anyone else, including you. If they couldn’t afford kids they shouldn’t have had them. Btw a birthday party that costs hundreds of dollars isn’t a necessity. Having the kids’ friends over for some cake and games is just fine and doesn’t cost hundreds of dollars. It sounds like she is using you in order to spoil her kids and make baby daddy jealous. Don’t be used. Btw kids in this situation almost always turn out to be spoiled brats and when they get older they are nothing but problems. You don’t want to be involved with that mess. Run.
my advice to you Isaya is Run fast and now! Your girlfriend is a user. You may think you are stuck but you are not. Get out for your own mental well being. One day you will find a childless woman who will treat you with respect and dignity not not use you. There are good women out there who have protected their reproductive systems and finances. Your girlfriend is not one of them and does not deserve a good man. Let het sit in her own mess that she created. You don’t need to be part of it. Life is short. No amount of sex is worth it.
It really all depends on the mom. My son and boyfriend (who has never been married and has no children of his own) get along very well. Mainly because I established rules for both from the very beginning. Mom’s, you MUST be FAIR. Just because you love your kids, it doesn’t mean they can do no wrong. This applies to your man too. Just because you love your man, it doesn’t mean he can do no wrong either. Mom’s, you really have to pay attention. Your kids aren’t angels because no children are. And your man needs to know his place in the child’s life. That being said, you have to give the man some authority. He can’t just be stepped on by your children. If you guys live together at some point, it’s incredibly unfair to give a man the financial and time burden of your child, but not authority over them. If he’s good enough to support them, he’s must also be good enough to discipline them. And by discipline, I do NOT mean, put his hands on them or bully them or exercise absolute rights in a home. I simply mean, he can scold them and take toys and or privileges away. However, you (as the parent) really need to trust that person’s judgement and know whether that person has a good and fair heart. There are step parents who are just downright mean and unfair, and that should not EVER be tolerated. There should be a good healthy balance of love, respect and discipline of some sort. Even if you don’t live together, but if you are dating exclusively, you don’t want your rugrats disrespecting the other adult nor the other adult disrespecting the rugrats. Some women are blind and allow the man to just be a dictator in a home, and that is WRONG. Nobody will have love and grace for your children like YOU, but nobody should be mean, ignore them or be indifferent to them. Those behaviors are unacceptable. Equally, you cannot allow your children. To crate a hellish environment for the person either. Being FAIR is the key. Don’t let either, the step parent, nor the child, feel disrespected or disregarded. It’s not a difficult task. Excercise your absolute ore tal authority on the child and make the step parent aware that you won’t tolerate unfair treatment of your child either. You (the biological parent) really need to take the reigns on this one and establish rules and expectations of both parties. That way, no one is disregarded. Everyone is heard and feels equally important and everyone is happy. However, if you see that your partner has too many issues with your kids, and it’s reallt not your kids fault, and the person just us a low tolerance for kids; dump em. Your kids well being and safety ALWAYS comes first to your own fleshly desires lol Sorry, but they didn’t ask to be born. In the case where your kids are especially savages, you need to grow a pair of balls and put them in their place, as you are the parent and nobody has to put up with your disrespectful and bratty kids either. And if you don’t teach them, life will, and life will be infinitely harder on them than you could ever be. Hope my two cents helps 🙂
I went threw hell dating a women with children he stole from me told racist jokes infront of me and his mother blatant in your face disrespect if me and his mother was working outside on a hot hot day he would bring two bottles of water out .one for his mom and one for him .the only way. To defend your self is to catch the children lying on video i caught him stealing money out of his mothers pocket book he stool my phone and she simply said dod you see him take it..you might have dropped outside a month later i caught him with the phone i called her and told her and she said how do you know it was yours .so i turned on my video walked to his room without telling him i was recording him got close up of my old phone then sent it to her boy was she mad at me when i record him swearing. Ect things she always say he dont do its all in my mind. She gets .ad at me water under the bridge i read up above and the lady reminds me of her natural ground she lays down rules for both party’s in other words the boyfriend is on the same level as a teenage child ..most single women often ends up with 15 cats house full of urine fur poop and grown children still living at home along with grandchildren as the now 65. Year old mother/ grandmother trys to live threw her grandchildren knowing she die single and alone yes she will put her children first but no man in his right mind will put a women first knowing that he comes last in her life all he has to do it try to take away the kids x-box or say something her child dont like and .hell will come soon after…example .jee. Honey my watch is smashed what happend well you must have smashed it your self on mistake .so to speak lol