Below is a comment I received from a guy thinking of separating.
Just looking for some insight. I’m 23 years married, we are both professionals, in a roommate situation for 3 plus years. I am 49 and really don’t want to be 60 or 70 wishing that I had ended it when I was 50. She says that she is only staying with me for the healthcare benefits. I really want to be with someone that wants to be with me or no one at all. I have a 22 year old daughter and 15 year old son. We tolerate each other at best, any advice would greatly be appreciated.
Reading this made me very sad for both of you. Your life is going by and you are sharing it with someone you view as a roommate.
I don’t know the whole story, but hearing that your wife said she is staying with you for healthcare benefits makes me sick. That comment must have been very hurtful.
My advice to you is, the two of you need to make a change. You cannot continue to live the way you are if you desire to be happy in life. Why would anyone want to “tolerate” the person they are sharing a life with? I’m not saying that a new relationship guarantees passionate desire every night, but how about just liking each other’s company? Being able to be best friends? Leaning on each other? Having fun together? Feeling like you have a partner? With the right person, those things are present. Don’t you deserve that?!
So, the question is, do you get divorced? Or, is there a possibility you can get those things back with your wife? Hence the title of this blog post: Get our or work it out! You can’t stay as you are. That is just plain old unhealthy and it doesn’t make sense.
Here’s my opinion. First, the two of you have been together for 23 years and you say only 3 have been bad. So, you had 20 good years! That’s something! Also, if there has been no cheating, no verbal or physical abuse, and if neither of you have an addiction, I think there’s a chance. Yes, I am a romantic at heart, but on a practical side, I can tell you this. Relationships are hard work. And if the two of you are willing to fight for your marriage, I think you can win. Have you tried counseling? Before you roll your eyes, I will tell you, it could work. But again, both of you have to be committed to trying.
I will ask you two more questions: Do you trust your wife? And, do you think she is loyal? If the answers are yes, then there is hope for this marriage. Trust and loyalty are two biggies, maybe the most important keys to a successful marriage.
Yes, I am a divorce blogger, but I never promote divorce, and I wouldn’t tell anyone to get divorced. That is a decision people have to come to on their own.
I am also a huge fan of marriage, if it is the right situation. I loved being married, and the single world is tough and not for wimps! If you become single, you will undoubtedly meet psychos and people who might hurt you and lie to you, but you will also meet wonderful women. The question is, will you meet someone as wonderful as your wife? (and I mean your wife when you were still madly in love, not the past 3 years.) The choice is yours, but my advice is to choose. Because what the two of you are doing now must be very sad and depressing, and that is no way to live the precious short years we have on this earth.
Great advice. I would like to re-emphasize your point that both parties need to be committed to trying. I tried to work things out with my wife for 5 years, only to finally realize she never was committed to trying and she never would be. I wish I had realized it sooner. I wasted years of my life working on a relationship that was a one way street.