This is an email I received from a 50 something year-old divorced guy who got got divorced because his wife cheated on him. He was very surprised and hurt by the cheating and said he never suspected it. I believe he has been divorced for a couple of years at the most, and is now dating another woman and writes “I will never get married again. Ever.”
I met a girl, “age appropriate,” masters degree, university teacher, very nice, attractive, really easy to talk to.
She was married for 34 years, dated only one other guy very brief, then met me. She lives about 180 miles away. We have seen each other about 5 times (weekend things). I quickly realized she was falling for me. I told her that I really like her, I enjoy our time together very much, but, I also told her that I will NEVER get married again, nor will I EVER tell a woman that “I love her”.
I figured she would get the hint. She has made it very clear to me that she wants to be with somebody and grow old together. Do women at this age really think they are going to “change” guys my age? Gosh darn it, I do not ever want to hurt anybody’s feelings, but I feel like I am misleading this woman. I think she confuses the fact that since I do not date other women, we are a “couple”, and someday soon I will snap out of it.
I am leaving in 5 days for Mexico, followed by South America. I travel about 4 months a year. If I met the woman of my dreams, I would either take her with me. But finding a woman like this is, well, “mission impossible.”
Most divorced guys over 50 that are still full of life, self assured, financially self made and secure and HAVE NOT engaged in a serious relationship in over a year ( or more) after their divorce, are acclimated in their single lifestyle ways. Our eyes are not closed and our hearts are not sealed, but we are hesitant to drastically deviate from our lifestyle patterns to accommodate a relationship.
So, do I break it off with this girl?
My gut reaction to his last question: YES!! Please break it off. Although, now that he is leaving for a few months and hasn’t asked her to join him, what is the difference, anyhow? It’s kind of the same thing as breaking it off.
Being a divorced woman over 50, I feel for this woman. These two people want completely different things from this relationship. She wants marriage. He…well, I don’t know what he wants because I don’t really think he knows what he wants. I do know one thing. He doesn’t want her. That is nothing personal against her, she just isn’t the one for him. But in all fairness to her, he needs to set things straight so she can cry, be upset about it being over, and then move on and get involved with someone who wants to grow old with her.
But let’s talk about “I will NEVER get married again” and “I will never tell a woman that I love her.” Wow. This is a man who has been deeply, deeply hurt and feels so betrayed, that he is unsure he can ever trust a woman enough to say I love you and/or get married.
I’m not judging because I can understand how he might feel. Any divorced person probably can. And I have to believe many divorced people have said these things—I’m never getting married again, I’m never saying I love you again, and then after some time goes by and/or they meet the right person, they change their mind.
This guy is saying that finding true love is “mission impossible” because he is very damaged and so for him, it is. He might benefit from therapy, a support group, or doing some type of work to get closure, acceptance and to learn that not every woman cheats.
All this said, in my experience, I have found there are two types of men: the ones who are set in their ways, who don’t want to “drastically deviate from their lifestyle for a relationship” as this guy says, and the ones who really like monogamy and being a couple with someone—guys who want to be remarried. And by the way, there are countless women over 50 who are still “full of life!” Just have to react to his statement that makes it seem otherwise.
I also find that the more time that goes by after a divorce that someone stays single, the less likely he/she is to get remarried. In other words, from what I’ve seen, people either get remarried pretty quickly or they remain single for a long, long time. There are exceptions, of course.
The bottom line is, every divorced person has a different experience, and what happens in the future depends on countless things which include: how long they were married, if they had children, why they got divorced, how they are doing financially, whether or not they like and/or can handle being single, who they meet, of course, and many many other factors.
I don’t think people should say things like, “I’ll never ever get married again” or “I’ll never say I love you” because life has this funny way of changing what we thought was going to happen or what we want. If someone would have told me I wouldn’t be married again after 10 years of being divorced, I would never have believed them. I really wanted to be remarried. But I couldn’t be happier about the way life has turned out for me. Isn’t that what really matters?
I guess what I’m saying is, just be happy and embrace all the unexpected things that come your way. You do have to do a little work—meaning healing, accepting and moving on from your divorce. The rest is doing what makes you really really happy every single day, spending time with those you love and letting everything else fall into place.
Like this article? Check out, “Newly Separated Man Expresses Raw Pain”
Don
Jackie
I do agree with your advice. Things do change.
I also underdstand where this guy is coming from..
I divorced 2 and half years ago.
I found out about my ex’s affair via a phone call at work on a Friday afternoon. I felt only anger.
When I got home asked when do we talk to our kids? Her response, was oh I already have called them and told them about the relationship. The only thing that concerned her was I going to cut her off. My only regret is not telling her to leave the house.
So where are we now –she and my oldest daughter haven’t spoken in a year.
I have made the following decisions about dating and marriage
— I’m not going to date until I can trust again, not sure when that’s going to happen, I’m not close.
— I will not remarry, this divorce made her a multi- millionaire. My alimony now supports two 56 year old adults who can’t support themselves.
Jackie you can’t make this stuff up.
Thanks for the chance to comment.
Don
Jackie Pilossoph
I can’t even imagine the frustration and feeling of injustice and disappointment. Just try to focus on your own life and your happiness. Living an authentic and fulfilling life is important. the past really doesn’t matter, especially if you don’t let it. Just don’t let it matter anymore. things turn out really unfair all the time. Try not to think about it, but rather to find joy in each day and in people you meet. xoxo
Ronin
Jackie, do you want to put your money where your mouth is? Please make an alimony payment on his behalf, or cover his legal bill. Your cheap talk of “Just don’t let it matter anymore”, is just that cheap.
Sensei
Nothing wrong about never wanting to marry again. Divorce can be a very painful and expensive process that someone would understandably want to avoid repeating. Given that the #1 cause of divorce is marriage, seems logical to stay away from that…
Peter
Not surprising to hear divorced men over 50 have no need for marriage. NOW and other women’s groups continue to lobby for higher child support limits, more lifetime alimony, etc. Meanwhile, the parallel Eat, Pray, Love narrative is reiterated in the US over ad over again. What does a man really get out of marriage that he can’t get in a relationship that does not involve the State? Quite a lot actually, and the downside is not nearly so dire as it is when adjudicated in the feminist family court system.
No marriage = good male decisionmaking.
Greg Dean
There are new laws coming where step children can make a claim for their step fathers estate. So even if their mother marries again and he passes away, her own children, who have had no real involvement in his life, can legally make a claim for his estate.
Yes, good luck convincing men to marry! What a great sales pitch this woman has for this over 50’s man. “Marry me! My own children will take part of your estate that you set aside for your own children” 😛
Greg Dean
Why is it that women after 50 want to find a new man to marry, when divorced men in their 50’s want to take life by the horn’s and ride it?
Why is it that over 50s divorced women now want to catch a new guy and have him dedicate his life to her into his old age?
It is something I cannot fathom.
Why is it that divorced women seem to desire finding another long term relationship?
When the MAJORITY of divorces and separations are initiated by women, why is it those same women seek to marry again and have the next guy dedicate his one life to her, when she could not stay with her original promise
The promise of marriage is to stick through EVERYTHING; meaning that if her husband lost his fortune and ended up homeless, she should follow him “Til death do us part”.
I definitely understand how men of all ages are learning the reality of marriage and divorce.
I don’t think this man should completely break it off with this women. he simply needs to set the rules about their time together. If she cannot accept the rules, she is free to go. She must know her place in his life priorities, instead of trying to change him, when he has already been divorce r**ed before and is now free.
Why divorced women, who could not keep their original promise (whether he cheated or not, or whether she just “fell out of love”), want to be in ANOTHER marriage is beyond me.
However, although it is a fascinating life mystery that I could never understand, women who seek marriage must understand that once you free a bird and it regrows its wings, it will be almost impossible to convince it to go back into its cage. If they want to be married, they should have stuck to their promise, or they can find another institutionalised man. Perhaps she can find a 50-year-old virgin, who is lonely and fairly socially inept, who has no urge to travel and has never been married. He will be happy to marry and never cheat.
Sev
There are numerous legitimate reasons for not wanting to remarry that have nothing to do with being emotionally broken or hurt. You can have a wonderful life full of meaningful relationships without marriage.
Yasmyn lipscomb
I left my husband for his marine Corp brother.😂
Tim
After one marriage, I’ll never ever trust or marry again. American women are evil.
Sean
Amen to that brother–women are evil and mercenary. After my divorce I decided to stay away. Dating older divorced women is like dating the enemy.
LJ
I am a 52 – year old widow of seven years now who was married to my only husband for 19 years. I have been pursued by many men, and gone out on many dates with one relationship lasting 2 years. I can tell you that I will NEVER get married or live with anyone again. I loved my husband, and had a wonderful son, but I am very financially secure….and I will never mingle my money with anyone. In addition, so many of the men out there over 50 are so angry, broke, and boring when the lights go out….that being single forever is looking better and better! I’d rather go out and/or travel with my girlfriends and eat a chocolate bar when I get home. It’s way more fun!!
Matin
I never see Jackie ever advocate for fairness… the gentleman that said his millions in alimony pays for to grown adults… your replay “… don’t worry about it, life is unfair.” I’m sure he was happy to hear your advise … how bought advocating for fairness? No wonder you are “divorced and smiling…” men get raked over the coals and your advice is “ don’t worry about it”
Larry
Divorced, 41 year old man in good shape, makes 6 figures. Pretty easy going fellow.
It is unlikely I’ll remarry again. Most men are driven by visual. I know its shallow, but the dating power flips after about 35 for this reason. If I was 31 years old, I guarantee i would be remarried to a woman approximately 26-27. But i have no desire to remarry an almost 40 year old with two kids pushing teenage years. Im too set in my ways and the girls dont look as good anymore, so no thanks. Again, not trying to be shallow, but i would imagine most educated males that are divorced and 40 are in the same boat and just wont be honest about it.
ken
“He…well, I don’t know what he wants”….
HE WANTS TO BE SINGLE, HE’S HAPPY BEING SINGLE. HE DOESNT NEED A WOMAN TO BE HAPPY!
WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND ABOUT THAT STATEMENT?????.
A woman needs a man to be happy a grow old together.
A MAN DOES NOT.
Caro Eloise Jones Gibson
Women do not need to be married. Men are historically credit hogs.
Rick Fields
I’ve remained single since my divorce. At the time we have a very young daughter and a new growing business. I was able to focus entirely on those two priorities. It’s a decision I’ve never regretted. I’m a grandfather now, still as involved as I’ve always been, and the business is now a 30-year-old business and has and still is providing for my family. I have no regret on the choice I made.
KJE
There is so much bad advice based on the false premise that there is something wrong about a man who doesn’t want another marriage. He just needs to meet the right woman right? That’s about as misguided as saying the same exact words to a gay man. I stayed married for 29 years for my kids and for some martyr complex that my misery to keep a vow “to death do us part” was noble. In reality, I became bitter and distant. That insured no sex for me for most of my marriage and drove her to cheat. Her cheating gave me the perfect excuse to break out of my marriage cage. I have to be true to myself. I like my solitude, absent of the responsibilty to cater to others’ needs at the expense of my own needs and desires. Never having time and money for myself all my life and suddenly freed with a six digit income, I don’t want to be put in another cage. It’s not the emotional damage of divorce, but rather the honesty to myself that I don’t like being married. I don’t like living with another person. I like my own house with all my stuff where I want it to be, and not touched or moved. I don’t feel the need to constantly give another person my whereabouts and feel obligated to do everything with her, or worse, give up what I want to do by myself or with other friends. Women, you have aggressively emasculated, maligned and used men through the courts and the media. Now you’re trying to raise boys to behave like girls in school. You demanded it. You’re winning the cultural war. Good luck finding love at 50. Hope you like effeminate beta males.
High-Five Billy
You constantly say that the man is : ” Damaged “. This is the great mistake and why your advice is unimaginably inappropriate in this case. The man is not damaged. He is awake to the reality of life. He now understands that there is no guarantee that your spouse will be faithful forever. He is ” Wiser “. He is stronger. He can give it another try and there is a chance it could all happen again, maybe in 2 years or maybe in 10 years. As a rational man he will have to make a decisions and get use to having women come and go and get use to the losses. I mean the loss of love with dating different women. In closing; is love not forever, if it is a series if short lived relationship based on true love, rather than one longed lived one ?
Glen
I was married 20 years to the mother of my 2 kids when I found out she was carrying on an affair with one of my kids basketball coaches. I had no idea and was truly devastated. Her and my family were my whole world and every reason I worked and built a great life for us. It took a long time to get over the pain. Never has it entered my mind to even consider getting remarried. It’s been 12 years and I still would never consider it. The financial losses alone are not worth it. I will just build my own castle going forward and when I date women I always let them know up front that I will never marry. It doesn’t stop them from wanting me. It bears mentioning that I am 56 at the time of this posting. Fuck em and chuck em boys. Keep all your money and keep your heart in your chest where it belongs. Build your body and your bank account and leave the fairy tales for the girls. Life is good.
Donnie C.
He doesn’t have to get married again, all it would be is the Western world against him for not being perfect enough to do everything single thing she wants the way she wants it. The Western world takes the women’s side even when she’s guilty, so men are better off just making enough money to live the rest of our days in another country. We aren’t wanted in the Western world unless we’re loaded, and when the money is gone so is everything else.
Middle aged guy
Its nice to have my own place. Its also nice to be dating a 21 year old girl for the last 2 years.
I am very happy that my wife wanted a divorce in the summer of 2020.
Fellas stay in shape and dress nice, leave behind nicotine and alcohol. Once the body is free from poison, you can keep it up for 1 hour without any chemicals.
Ladies reading this post remember that youth and looks are #1 reason we put a ring on it. In mid 30’s that fades quick, and I hope you can start compensating for it with better character and work.
21 year old ladies, you aint gotta do nothing except smile and spread your legs, we love you!
Kirk Oglesby
Male over 50. I have no interest or need to get married. I don’t date, no need to. Women, best of luck to you. Men, do not do it. Here in the next couple of decades all this racking Father’s across the coals, and wondering why he can’t see his children. It’s all good now. My children can finally have there Father in their lives. Trust never. Marry again, not on your life.